Hi Diary,

No big adventure to tell you about yet. Frank called me yesterday to ask about what I wanted to do to break up and where. I told him a certain park where we used to go, figuring it was neutral ground and everything. I told him some ideas I had. He had no ideas, even though he told me last week when I spoke with him by phone that he would think of some ways he wanted to close.

Ugh. This was just like another knife in the heart, because I felt like, what, does he feel complete just dropping shit off at my house? That's enough for him after a relationship of two years?

In reality I'm sure that's not true. Knowing him he's probably completely shut down-- a friend suggested that maybe he's even hesitant to do a closing with me because there's a part of him that never wanted to break up, which is probably why he's been avoiding seeing me these many months.

That could be true. But he can't have it both ways. There's an unrealistic way he wants to call me and go out to lunch and have it be all the same except for no sex and no commitment, and in his mind probably no more worrying about Duck and how he's feeling obligated to take care of me. All this without ever seeing me and breaking up with me.

In any case, the conversation was extremely awkward. One reason was because he was on his cell headset and it does this weird thing; when I talk his end sounds like it goes dead, so I keep thinking we've been cut off. The whole deal makes our conversation stilted on both ends. So I probably sounded very clipped and angry. It was like a clinical conversation- we could do this, etc. etc. okay, bye. Afterward I just felt terrible, so I called back and left a message, just acknowledging how weird the conversation had felt, that my intention was not to be mean or nasty, but that things may have been affected by the use of the headset; also that I was still open to doing lunch or dinner or whatever, but this closing thing was very important to me first.

No reply as of today... via email or phone... no acknowledgement of what I said. That bugs me too... that I feel like I'm the brave one, saying how I feel... it's exhausting. I was very open there, admitting it hurt, but I was trying my best with good intention.

Perhaps I just expect too much of people.

But I'm sick of being the only one with integrity.

Grrrrrr!!!!

Have not heard from Alphie in a couple of days. He's not much of a typist so emails are few, and when he sends one it's usually only one or two lines. Yeah, I know, it sounds like the typical bodybuilder thing, but he is smart- just doesn't know how to type. I'm trying not to lean on him too much around the Frank thing. I would rather have him as a lover than a caretaker. I'm looking forward to seeing him at the end of this month. In actuality I don't know if we will even have intercourse, but it really doesn't matter. The time I spent with him was so intense, and he was so THERE, that it was almost like having intercourse.

Can you believe it?

Maybe not.

That's okay.

You don't have to.

Love,

Duck

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