Oh Diary,

I don't have much to write at all. As I said before, I'm just trying to get through the week.

Sunday I am supposed to meet with Frank, so that's been on my mind. Really I feel on some level that I'd just like to skip right over it. I guess it's a positive thing that I don't view it as a "chance" to win him back or anything like that. Rather, I feel more like I'd like to see Alphie and bring on the fun. But I have to do this first.

At the beginning of the week I was working out like crazy, trying to get more definition in my arms and legs, thinking, you know, I want to look really good on Sunday. Frank has not seen me in five months. Can you believe it's been five months? Anyway. Then I just started to think, you know what, I look good enough. And, I was good looking when I left him. So fuck that. Don't go crazy Duck. Oldmaid's entry today about the stomach issue (I wish I knew how to do a link) is a perfect example of what I was going through on that line of thought.

I still can't seem to sleep worth a lick, so I'm going to have to resort to some kind of sleep aid. Although perhaps I will be able to get more rest once the Frank thing is over. I have so much pain in my back and neck, I think I'm going to splurge for a massage tomorrow. I'm trying to be really careful about my money, but if I feel like crap all the time what's the point?

My friend Stacey is in town, so I've been tooling around with her a bit. She finally left her cheap fiance for good, moved to a new town, and is much happier. She was trying to hook me up with a friend of hers... she often tries to do that, but I am always very suspicious. Because we have similar taste in men, so when she's trying to pass me a friend of hers, I am curious as to why she isn't/hasn't dated him. Cause most likely it means he's not my type.

So we were talking this morning, and turns out that Stacey did date this guy quite a few years ago... so I asked her why she thought I'd be interested in him. She said all kinds of things about him like he's very open, doesn't drink or smoke, has an STD so is very conscious about having safe sex etc... and I was like, huh? That's a weird thing to tell a person. And then, she says that actually she believes that she gave him the STD many years ago when they slept together. Because she talked to him years later and found out he had the same thing. And then he gave it to his fiance later on in his life, and she no longer wanted to marry him. Stacey also ticked off a list of men she had passed the STD on to.

It was a scary conversation; one, I am terrified of that kind of stuff. Two, I don't mean to make it sound like Stacey is irresponsibly sleeping away and not informing guys of the STD; on the contrary, she told me she always tells people before she sleeps with them. The guys made the choice to sleep with her and some of them contracted it. However, she didn't seem to know that even if she used a condom, there was still a risk for her to pass on her type of STD... and I couldn't believe she didn't know that... I mean, I know it.

But what really scared me is how she could trace quite a few people it had gone to after her (and who knows who else after that). And now I am back in the dating pool. And suddenly hooking up with Alphie feels like Russian Roulette. Having been in an exclusive relationship for a number of years, that was something I never had to think about. And now... well, Alphie is gorgeous. And I'm pretty sure he's been with a lot of women. All I can do is ask him if he's got anything, and use the best protection we have (if we decide to go there). But this morning's conversation with Stacey really freaked me out. Now I feel a little better about it, but still.

And lest you think I am just overreacting about some kind of "asthetic" concern, just being disfigured in some way, that's not it. I watched Stacey's life as she went through a few surgeries because of this STD. And it's very doubtful she can become pregnant now, because of the severity of the surgeries. So it has changed her life more than just having an ugly breakout now and then.

Ugh.

Well, on that note, what else is there to say?

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