Hi Diary,

Well, where to begin.

I called Alphie yesterday, and even though he sounds happy enough to talk to me, he can only speak for 10 minutes or so before he has to run off and do something else. I try not to get too disappointed, and ask myself what part of me feels so bad. I guess I am lonely, and want some kind of connection. Although I have plenty of friends, I really don't have anyone I can connect to on a deep level. It used to be Frank, but now, maybe I am just searching for that and projecting it onto Alphie.

I ended up calling him last night because I felt like I had to do some "damage control". The people from my training have a listserv type of thing going, and one of the guys from the training wrote and asked me how I was doing. Well I answered him honestly, and told him that I was feeling pretty bad about the whole incident with Frank, and that I cry all the time. Only after I sent the email did I realize that I accidently sent it to the whole list, and that includes Alphie. Shit. I keep telling myself that I didn't say anything super stupid, but still, when you mean to write a private email and then accidently send it to 20 other people admitting that I'm crying every other day...hmm. You can imagine how smart I feel. I feel rather ashamed, and like I didn't want Alphie to read that, because here I am coming to his house. Even so, it is true. Maybe Alphie will be too busy to read it anyway. Or maybe it just won't matter, and I'm thinking a big deal out of nothing.

Regardless, our phone call was short, I always get off the phone and think of 10 more things I wanted to talk to him about. I don't know if I'm trying to fool myself into thinking that our connection is stronger than it was. Were we just in some kind of altered space because we spent 10 days together away from our "normal" lives... and then of course once we return to our businesses and jobs and routines, it's so easy to fall out of touch. Unless you're me-- I'm pretty good at keeping in touch, but I have a lot of experience with reaching out to people over and over again and not receiving anything back... not out of malice, I think... just not everyone is so good at writing emails, postcards, or picking up the phone. But I'm quite the overcommunicator. And it helps that I don't have a really complex, demanding job... however many days I just feel sad, waiting for someone to call me back or answer an email. Seems everyone else is so much busier than me, I guess because they have real jobs...

Shafted by my friend Nick, who came into town and was supposed to hook up with me. It's the usual story... he either calls me at 2am when I am sleeping, doesn't leave me any way to contact him, etc... fucking musicians. Last night he was at a friend's house hanging out with his band, I'm not really sure of that area, they had a car but refused to come and pick me up unless I rounded up some of my hot friends. When I told them all my friends were home in bed, they flaked and Nick was like, "Uh, well, maybe I'll catch you next time I'm in town." Whatever, I tell you. It's just par for the course at this point in the saga. I was so excited that Nick and his band were coming into town, I went out, bought a new hot outfit, etc., and actually I did coerce Aleda into going with me. The band was supposed to be playing a few towns over, I don't know where. Nick said his friend would come and pick us up, but he never came, nor did he call. I had no numbers for anyone and Nick doesn't have a cell phone, he didn't know the area either so never gave me an address. That was Friday night and Nick didn't call me until Sunday... hello. Then last night the unspoken "we'll pick you up if you have girls for us too" kind of mentality. Uh, you know, I am a little too OLD for that sort of thing. Mind you, I'm not too old for much, but I think I'm a little too old for THAT. So, basically, even though I have known Nick for almost 15 years, I am chopped liver unless I produce some ass for his friends. Fuck him. Fuck musicians. They are fucking annoying.

I know I have to buck up because I am leaving for Canada tomorrow, but I am getting kind of sick of feeling like the only one who makes an effort with things.

You know?

I'm sure once I get there though that Alphie will be very attentive. We just need to see each other in person.

See ya

Duck

[previous] [next]