Hey Diary,

I wanted to write more yesterday but didn't have the time.

I'm doing okay with the Alphie thing... I guess. I did leave something at his house, um, something very important -- my keys. Yeah. So I got all the way home and I'm locked out of my apartment... quite the bummer.

So I had to call him, and we had a brief conversation and he had to go. He owns his own business, so he is always busy.

I have a lot of conflicting feelings about the whole sex thing. I don't know if I've been programmed somehow-- I don't feel guilty, but I do feel that sharing myself is not an issue to be taken lightly. I guess I'm very sensitive, and have felt used a lot in my life. So that's why. It's why I have never been "casual" in the sexual realm. I like to know that someone really cares about me. More so, I actually like to feel very special, so that makes me pretty monogamous.

Alphie is pretty clear that he loves women, and women love him. So it's hard for me to feel special there. At the training, it was a little easier, since we were a closed group of people, and it was obvious that Alphie and I had a special connection.

When I got to Alphie's house, there was an array of photographs all over the coffee table- the whole table was covered with pictures; Alphie was pretty much in every picture, usually with friends, and a lot of them with women. One woman that appeared over and over again was his ex-- I'm not sure when they last went out.

Alphie told me some stories about his life and past relationships, but I am unsure about the timing. I know that he really loved a woman named Alannah, and they dated for about five years. It sounded like they did everything together, but then Alphie discovered that not only was Alannah cheating on him, she was also stealing from his business. She really broke his heart. That was about 3 years ago.

The woman in the pictures is not Alannah. Her name is Gem. I remember him saying he sent Gem away because of Alannah, but it seems that if the pictures of Gem are still around, she must have been the last girlfriend. This is the part of the story I'm not exactly sure of, because a lot of stuff was going on at the time he mentioned this, and my head wasn't exactly clear. But I'm guessing maybe he was still in love with Alannah and so he couldn't connect with Gem so that's why he sent her away (she wasn't Canadian).

Alannah must have really been something, because Gem is gorgeous. She was a model, and looking at those pictures made me feel... pretty plain. Once again the disbelief that Alphie could be attracted to me, as anything more than a diversion, came up. Gem is blond and blue-eyed, with a fantastic figure. No lie.

Anyway, there's a couple of aspects to this: one, why were all the pictures laid out on the coffee table? Alphie's explanation, when I walked in, was that this was the kind of coffee table where you put pictures under the glass, and something happened where somebody spilled some water, so he had to take them out. However, instead of just putting them in a pile, they were laid out for me to see-- kind of weird, don't you think? One reason might be that Alphie wanted me to look at all the pictures of him-- he is a bodybuilder and proud of the way he looks, after all-- and another, WEIRD thing might be he wanted to in some way share his vision of Gem? Maybe he is not completely over her. Don't know.

What I do know is I felt kind of inadequate as a woman. Which is all my stuff, I know. When I tell my friends how I feel around Alphie, that I think he might be too good looking for me, they tell me to have some confidence about myself. That's really the only area where I feel challenged with him. I feel like we have a great chemistry together and share a similar sense of humor, and I can keep up with him intellectually and emotionally. Actually I usually surpass men when it comes to communicating emotions.... but one friend said, "Maybe that's what makes you so beautiful to him. Sure, he's dated models, but maybe he's looking for something deeper now, and he finds that depth in you."

Well that might be true. Alphie witnessed me in a lot of different places while we were at the training. He also told me I was the funniest woman he had ever met. Still, when I see the photographs of us together, I start to pick myself apart.

That's something that I do to myself.

Damn that inner critic!

And... well, it just might be so that I am not "special" to Alphie, and why would that be wrong? Why do I have to be special anyway? What is that about me? Why can't I just be like other people, and say, oh I'm really attracted to this person and we had a good time, I'm glad we are friends. There is a part of me that wants more and that part craves the specialness, to be singled out.

Father issues?

Abuse issues?

Who knows.

I'm still working on it.

Love,

Duck

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