lesson [ 2004-08-06, 11:13 a.m. ]

So anyway, Diary,

The times are a changin'.

Talia has offered me a position full time. Most of the pay will be commission, so it feels a little risky, but I think I'm going to go for it. After all, I can't stay in this lame-ass job for the rest of my life, plus... hopefully I will be able to work ONE job instead of two. That means more time to sleep, and do artwork and stuff. There are other advantages as well, such as I am already competent in the job and I know what it entails, so it's not like I will get there and not know what's going on.

Pretty exciting, no? But, I am still quite nervous. I guess I get like that around any major changes.

Last night my friend Petra was in town. Petra is another person I met at the training. We had a great night, I took her to get a massage (she was in a minor car accident last week) and we went out to dinner. We laughed a lot. She was in town on business, so we stayed in her hotel room.

Petra knows Alphie too, she was at the same training and met him there. I told her about my trip to Canada, and she seemed a little disappointed for me. She told me that she knew I was going out to see him, and that her secret wish for me was that Alphie and I would fall in love while I was out there. It was so sweet I almost fell in love with Petra on the spot. I didn't tell her about my desire (or my affliction, perhaps I should say) about feeling special, but she probably sensed that I wanted to mean something more to Alphie. Who knows. If I have learned anything in the past few months, it's that I don't fucking know anything, and I obviously can't control how other people feel about me.

This is the big lesson,isn't it? But somehow it feels like I never learn. I think I wrote somewhere before, that I feel like I'm writing the same stuff I used to write in my diary when I was fifteen years old. Does he like me? Why does he act the way he does? etc. Incredible insecurity. I wish I knew how to make it stop. I had to pursue Frank and it was only after he left that I realized how tired that whole scenario made me. Now there's a part of me that wants to run after Alphie too. It's just not befitting for a strong woman, if that's what I want to be. I wish I could heal this part of myself that is so desperate for approval and love. I guess I can, somehow, but not with someone else. And that's the part my brain is not getting yet.

I suppose I will give my two weeks notice on Monday. I wasn't sure if I should do it today or not. I guess I still have some hesitation. I will see Talia tomorrow and have to fill out some paperwork and stuff, so then I guess I will feel more "locked in".

Meanwhile I will continue to learn.

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