Hi there Diary,

Not much to report, really. Feels like all I do is work, so it will be a relief if that's not happening 24/7 anymore. Then again, I was talking to my friend and I don't know what I will do only working one job. It's been a while since I've only worked one job... let's see... I mean there was that space of time when I quit working for CF and I had that couple of months where I could actually come home and sleep. But that was short-lived.

And I guess there was the job I had when I first came to live here, but at that time I was doing a million things, classes and stuff, so I was still busy... but yeah working one job. I think I have a problem slowing down.

Friday I was just wrecked from lack of sleep. I was supposed to go dancing with Jeremy, but I was so tired and burnt out. Jeremy suggested we just hang out instead, so I said okay. He came over and then we went out to dinner. Then back to my place, where we watched a DVD. Before you know it, it's 2:30 in the morning and Jeremy says, "Do you mind if I crash here?" Well I have only one bed, and although I trust Jeremy, I really don't want him to stay because I want to sleep. But I feel bad because otherwise he will have to drive 1.5 hrs home. So I say okay. Even though he didn't touch me, it was still annoying to have him there. I didn't feel like I could spread out, and when I put music on to help me sleep he started asking about the music, who was it and what kind was it, and I had to tell him straight out, "It's time for SLEEP, not talking." Also when I start to fall asleep I may stretch and sigh or make a little noise. When I did that he asked, "What's up?" I don't know, thinking that I was trying to communicate or something. I had informed him many times that I have been having trouble sleeping recently so you would think he would know enough to just chill. Instead he said stupid things like, "Well, if you can't sleep, wake me up too." Like that would help me or something. When I'm awake I'm so tired I want to be asleep, not waking someone else up so they can keep me more awake. I woke up so many times in the night just knowing he was there.

So, note to self: do not let Jeremy invite himself to crash at my place again when I am bone-tired. It's just no good for me. It's very obvious he is really attracted to me, and instead of making me feel good, it just makes me more vigilant. The night before I had slept with Petra in her hotel room and that had been okay. I slept a whole three nights with Alphie wrapped around me, no problem. But with Jeremy it does not work. Plus he wouldn't leave in the morning, so I felt like I had to entertain him. Maybe it has less to do with his personality and more to do with the fact that by the end of the week I am exhausted, and I need uninterrupted alone-time.

Saturday I worked for Talia. I still have not given my notice at this job. I don't know what I am waiting for. I guess I feel nervous like Talia will change her mind at the last minute. Also on Saturday I experienced a little bit of nervousness because there was a lot of tension in the office. Sandra, who I like a lot, was very upset. She thinks that Talia is very passive aggressive toward her and is persecuting her. It's hard for me to tell because I'm not there when things go down between Talia and Sandra, and really I only hear Sandra's side of the story most of the time. What I do understand about Talia is that she wants everyone to pitch into the place so it's the best company it can be, rather than people having that "that's not my job" mentality. And what I do know about Sandra is that she's young, and kind of self-involved at times, so she doesn't always think she should compromise any part of what she's doing to pitch in. So really when she tells me a story I can see both sides, and I think it's a little of both in the dynamic. Maybe Talia does lack a good communication style and is trying to "punish" Sandra by making her do extra, to show her that it must be done, but at the same time Sandra sometimes can't see past her own nose, and feels picked on like a teenager when asked to do something. I really don't want to be in the middle. And it doesn't make the job too appealing at this point. Anyway, it might just be jitters. Nothing is going to be perfect-- but it's got to be better than here, right?

I hope.

Last week I spoke to Frank also, he called me. He says he has a gift to give me, a book that he picked up that he knows I will really like. But I am so busy and it's hard to organize things with his schedule too. I can't say I was trying to make it easy for him. In a way I want to see him and in another way, I don't. I feel angry when he acts like he just wants to pick up where we left off, but as friends. And there's a way I feel as if he has no concept of how I've been hurting these past few months. When I saw him at the park, he said I was walking really fast and made a comment, "You must be dating someone with really long legs."

What? Stupid, right. Like it's so easy for me to let you go, Frank, yup, now I am dating someone with long legs just a few months later. Okay, there's Alphie, but let's be realistic. That's like a psychosis thing. Yes, he's gorgeous and nice and I had sex with him. But all the while, I'm still not over Frank. I know that about myself. I can tell this because I have this kind of fantasy in my head that Frank will find out about Alphie and be jealous. If I was really completely over Frank, I'd say, whatever, and just concentrate on Alphie.

Speaking of which, yes Alphie was so concerned about messing me up by sleeping with me, but has not called me since I left Canada. That's fucked up, I think. I mean, I know you can be busy, but how busy can you be? So it feels kind of bad. Rather ironic. I'm not going to sleep with you because it might mess you up, and then I'll call you a few days later and what if you're sad? So what actually happens is I sleep with you, and then I don't call you at all. Okay.

So, I just have to get over myself. Alphie is not going to fix the Frank problem, and Frank is not going to fix the Alphie problem. Really, the whole thing is just a Duck problem. I have to give myself a break to get over Frank. It takes so much fucking TIME, and that's annoying. And the whole Alphie thing, well, I guess you could say Alphie has not changed, but my expectations of him have. And therein lies the mistake.

And another thing I have learned today, is that blueberries actually have a very high velocity once they get going. I have been aiming the really mushy ones at the waste basket, but when my aim is off they really bounce and roll a long distance in the office.

Sincerely,

Duck

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