positive note [ 2004-08-12, 4:03 p.m. ]

Hi Diary,

I would like to update every day but I don't really feel like my life has been update worthy as of late. I keep coming into the office, and it just keeps being boring.

Also, the orange soup shit is STILL in the refrigerator. I decided, since I gave my two weeks notice on Monday, that I am no longer emptying the fridge. Let them suffer!

So yeah, I gave my notice. Nobody had much of any reaction. I had a very strange exit interview on the phone, with the chief financial officer whom I've never met in person. He wanted to know why I was leaving, if I was unhappy in my job. I just said, "Well, I've worked here for almost three years with no raise. My desk is held together with scotch tape and I've got Windows 95 on my computer." CFO threw around a bunch of big words, and said something like, "So we couldn't really offer something comparable to what this new company is offering you./?" He said it in a way in which I was not sure if it was a statement or a question. More like a question, I suppose, but the whole thing was so stupid, because how would I know what he could offer unless he actually offered it? The guy wasn't saying any numbers.

I have to leave regardless, even if they could, which they probably can't. As I said Talia's work is mostly on commission so all I can do is hope that I do really well.

I continue to have a difficult time getting any sleep at all. I don't understand it, since for the last couple of nights I've made honest and wholehearted attempts to go to bed at 10pm. Guess what happens? Nothing. I roll around and next thing you know it's 3am. I'm not quite sure what's happening. I've never had so much trouble sleeping in my life as I've had this past year. Used to be, I never even had blinds in my bedroom. I could sleep like a baby even in the middle of the day. Now I've got my eyemask, shades drawn, alarm clock turned away from me (it sheds too much light), special oil on my temples to help me sleep, relaxing music, and herbal sleep aids. Friends have suggested all kinds of things, from creating a nightly ritual, turning my bed (feng shui), limiting the amount of artificial light I get before bedtime, baths, aromatherapy, masturbation and recreational drugs. Nothing seems to be working.

Last year, when I handed over my whopping security deposit for my new apartment, I had really bad insomnia for about a month. Also around that time I was leaving the job with CF, and you know that created a lot of stress. So I'm thinking that perhaps because I've quit, some part of me is stressed again. Hopefully once I'm settled into everything with Talia and making money, I will be more relaxed.

Also I think I am still more depressed than I let on about my love life. I keep setting up dates with these men that I have no interest in. I don't know why I do that. Why am I doing that? It just creates more things to do and less time for myself, for recovery and rest. Stan and Phil and Dan and Jeremy have all left me messages, wanting to make plans. Nice enough guys all of them, but none of them really float my boat.

And Alphie has not acknowledged me at all. That is a little confusing to me. Not just because of the sex thing, but also because I sent him a thank-you card, and photos from our visit, and I still have not heard a damn thing from him. Now it just seems, um, kind of rude. What happened to our friendship, and the connection we made at the training? I wonder if I have set this all up in my mind, or maybe he is a little weirded out and that's why he hasn't contacted me?

In any case, I'm so tired I can't even be bothered. I know if I call him, he will probably be too busy to talk, and so I'm just setting myself up for a feeling of rejection and inattention. Same thing with Frank. We can't seem to agree on a good time to get together, and actually I think I have so much resistance to getting together, that I don't think we'll try anymore. He's apparently very busy, and taking that trip that I wanted to buy him months ago. I don't know what's so annoying to me. Probably because he's just living his life, and well, fuck him for being happy without me. How dare he, right?

Maybe that's it.

Whichever. I have to take care of myself right now, and I don't seem to be doing such a good job.

Oh yeah. And got a call from Ex today. A good-humored conversation, and I told him that Frank and I are over. He's so happy about it, but he's dreaming. The guy is touched in the head if he thinks I would ever be in a real relationship with him. Too controlling and not old enough emotionally. I said, "Listen, Ex, I'll spank you, but that's about it." And I'm serious.

Maybe I should just try to play with everyone, and forget about heart connections for a while. Trouble is when you've got a heart that's as sensitive as mine, nothing ever seems right.

But, I went out to dinner with a friend who told me to make a list of ten things I wanted to accomplish. She said that I would find that within a year, I will have accomplished most of them, because my subconscious mind will have already started working on the changes. I believe that, because it was a little over a year ago that I went to therapy and ticked off a list of goals: I wanted to eat better, I was unhappy in my job, I hated where I lived and I had issues about this and that. Within the year I quit the terrible CF job, changed my eating habits, got my own apartment, did major work on those other issues, and now here I am changing jobs again. Pretty much every aspect of my life has changed since then.

So, I'm working on that list. To put things on a positive note.

Love,

Duck

[previous] [next]

Photobucket
S DUCKIE
archives ~ profile ~
~ email ~ gbook ~ notes ~
~ host ~ image ~ design ~