Oh Diary,

There you are. How was your weekend? Mine was not much to talk about. Hand-wash laundry and work, pretty much all day Saturday. And then Sunday I had brunch with Stan, and we did a little shopping. When we met he kissed me on the lips, not so much in a romantic way as just in a way that tried to convey more intimacy and closeness. I still have no no no desire to kiss him. But he seems to understand that I am not in a relationship place right now, and was happy to hang out.

Apparently I am only really attracted to unavailable men.

Yay. Go me.

To prove this to myself, I went shopping for Alphie. His birthday is in a couple of weeks, and I had previously had an idea anyway of sending him a care package. So one part of me is asking why would I do this when he hasn't even called me, and another part of me says I need to relax and create the relationships I want. I could be being too dramatic about this. Even though I told my friend Emily about it and she did think it was odd, with his speech about not wanting to hurt me, and not very nice, not keeping in touch-- she suggested that I don't make a big deal about it. If I want to retain a friendship with Alphie, just act like it never happened. So I don't know if sleeping with him was a big mistake-- maybe that behavior is not for me. All it seems to do is increase my sensitivity and expectation, which is no good. Regardless, I have to go to school with him for the next couple of years, so I feel like it's worth it to smooth over any awkwardness. Mmm, what was I thinking?

More than anything, I realize now, after Frank, and now Alphie, the pattern is the same-- and more than anything I want to heal this unavailable man attraction that I have. It is sooo destructive to me. And I am confused. Because after so many years of therapy, and personal growth work, etc, and really getting pissed about Frank and thinking "never again", it seems that all I've done is run out and re-create that for myself again, IMMEDIATELY. I thought I could just be casual about sex. But for some reason I can't seem to do that. My emotions get all twisted up, and I hate that about myself. It makes me feel like a child, like I regress. I don't feel like I can control it. And I am at a loss at what to do about it. I don't know the next step. I feel burnt out on therapy, no burning need to go and talk about my father or anything like that. There was a period where I felt like I needed to go to therapy twice a week, for the support. In the last couple of months I didn't feel like going at all, so I've taken a break. I don't know what else to do about this situation, I just know that it's obviously still present in my life -- the longing for someone who doesn't really return the same kind of feelings that I have. How can I ever change this? I almost wish someone could wave a magic wand over me and make it go away. I don't know what else to do.

All I want is to feel special, to feel desired, to feel important enough that someone would make time and space for me. Of course this is a big mistake to think that someone I've just met will do that for me. I thought if I was casual and went in with the intention of just having fun, and not becoming attached, then that would be enough to keep it from happening.

But it's like I have a little monster living inside of me. She's very hungry, and very young. The switch gets flipped and it's all over. She wants more-- something intangible- crazy, really. That's what I was trying to get in my relationship before. Fill this empty space... expecting someone else to fill this ravenous empty space. Ugh. Feel shame just to admit that it exists, this space.

But what can I do.

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