Hey Diary,

Chaos writes:

"why is it a bad thing that you can't do casual sex? sex should be between people with more than just a one-night-stand attitude. it's in our nature to want love, dont think that sex = love, cause it doesn't."

I dunno why it's a bad thing... I judge myself cause I feel like other people can be very casual about it, and I need the person to like me afterward. Like I'm terrified of rejection. I don't think sex=love, that's for sure. Especially not that sex I had, cause as I said it was kind of disappointing, after everything else.

What I really want, like I said before, is to feel special. For someone to be really into me, but lordy no not the people that are already really into me, because I'm not interested in them. Rather it has to be a project, and somehow, unconsciously, I know exactly how to hone in on somebody that just can't make himself give a shit.

Hmm.

Interesting, no?

Probably not, since I talk about it all the time.

Anyway, I've decided that the best thing to do is sit tight, and focus inward a little bit more. The compulsive desire to have someone adore me seems to be a sign that I do not feel secure and I need to be comforted in my identity in some way. Time and immense effort has taught me that trying to get this from someone else just isn't working. The pursuit thing is exhausting. I don't know how to stop doing it. I know that at night I feel really depressed and lonely. It's tough to admit that I ever feel lonely-- seems like a weakness to me. And I enjoy being alone a lot. But alone and lonely are two different things.

So I can rationalize away, but at the end of the day I am left at home alone, feeling lonely. Feeling like something is missing from my life. It's not Frank-- sure he was there, but I struggled so hard with him that it's obvious he wasn't really filling the space, if I had to work for it. It's something else. And it sucks. Because I don't know what to do to change it. It seems so simple to type it out, or have someone read it and give a simple solution, but it's just not.

It's just not that kind of thing.

What is comforting, as Chaos said, is to be reminded that it's natural and human to want love. So I suppose it's natural and human to want someone in my life, not only to love but to be loved by. It doesn't stop me from living, but it sure does suck some days. You know those days when you see couples walking hand in hand, whispering and laughing, kissing, and it makes you want to puke? Yeah, that gets me sometimes. I really like being in a couple. I really liked being in a couple with Frank, because he got me and supported me in who I was in a lot of ways. Definitely things missing, but there was good stuff there too.

On the bright side, I've made a ton of new friends that are supportive of me, it's just that I don't feel I have a support network very close by at this time. That's another problem. My friends are busy, or living in another time zone, so we can't always connect. Maybe I have to figure out a way to get more of a supportive atmosphere where I live.

Plus I am in the midst of another transition in my life... which is stressful. Not only have I been working like crazy and burning the candle at both ends, depriving my body of rest... but now I am making another major change, and all that has its effects on the mind and the body. It's natural to wish for comfort and support at a time like this.

Things will be okay.

I just have to keep reminding myself.

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