Hi Diary,

As I said, don't seem to have as much time to update as before. One reason is that I don't have as much privacy. That's okay, so far; Friday I was really feeling raw because I had gotten very little sleep all week. It's amazing anyone could put up with me... I was ready to freak out.

I saw Simon on Friday night, he sort of invited himself over and brought some beer. And we got a little messed up. And he started criticizing my life, like he always does, and my relationship, which he believes still exists. And finally he had me cornered, saying, Duck, what the fuck is going on with you, tell me the truth. So I told him about Frank. Sort of. I mean I told him we broke up, but when he asked how long we'd been broken up I said two months. I didn't want Simon to know how long I'd actually been keeping it from him. It just got away from me. How could I tell him that I didn't want to tell him this news because I didn't want to deal with Simon hitting on me. Now he's getting married, anyway, so it's not on his mind. Instead he was very supportive and hugged me a lot. It was okay, but felt strange. Everything probably seemed more dramatic at the moment due to the ingestion of certain substances anyway.

Saturday I met up with Phil and we went to the movies. We were very random about it, I was in his part of town and called him and said, "Hey, do you want to go to the movies?" And we just walked in and chose the one that was playing next. That one was Garden State, and though I liked it, Phil started to cry. As I said, I have sensed that he is still pretty upset about losing his dad, and the movie totally triggered him. We talked for a bit afterward, about a bunch of things, and I left really late. He's an all right guy, very sensitive. I have a feeling he would fit in with a lot of my friends, he just doesn't have a group where he fits in now-- he's in a very technological field, but he's a very sensitive guy. It's a weird mix.

Sunday I spent all day in bed, alone (had to clarify that). I wanted to get up and do stuff, but I was so exhausted, that all I could do was watch DVDs, and occasionally get up to get food or go to the bathroom. I think I was having some kind of rapid decompression due to insomnia and a host of other stressful activities. And um, I can tell you, I know, Diary, that sometimes I give myself orgasms and I weep uncontrollably. What's up with that? Now I don't even need a man to make me cry when I come.

Speaking of men, got a call from Alphie on Saturday. He and I are going to the same seminar in October, and he was calling to try to arrange for us to spend some private time together either before or after. I was delighted, since I'd had the same idea, but was reluctant to say anything. That's because my friend Trevor said, I should just wait because he was sure Alphie would initiate such a meeting. Trevor said, "If women would just trust men's timetables, there wouldn't be so many problems." I guess I just figured I didn't matter much at all to Alphie. So I was really touched by his invitation. I guess I have to not fret so much. The whole not calling me thing for a long time-- I still don't know what that's about-- Trevor says men can be one step forward, two steps back... kind of thing. And he also agreed with my other friend Angel when she said I was too accomodating. He said don't give Alphie anything he doesn't give to me... don't overdo it. To save the gifts but give them at the right time. Hmmm. I like that because it doesn't seem to require much thought. I can just hang out and be myself. Seems though, that so much of myself is about getting men that I'm attracted to, to like me. And I don't like that very much. It's like I have a knee-jerk reaction to remind people that I am still alive. That's pretty sad, when you think how that must have developed. Even with Frank, I felt like I had to put pictures of myself on his refrigerator. Otherwise I would give him photos and they'd just end up in a drawer somewhere. But it shouldn't have to be so difficult...

I have not heard from Stan in a while, and that's okay. I really don't think we connect very well at all. Partially because he is so nervous, and talks about weird things at the dinner table, like I didn't take much time in the restaurant bathroom and does that mean that I didn't wash my hands, hmmm, but you know urine is actually sterile. This I found bizarre since it was only the second time we'd been out to eat together, and he was casting dispersions on my hygenic practices in a public place. Weird guy.

Anyway I'm giving up on dating I decided for another six months. What is the point. I will just tell all the guys, if they haven't figured it out yet, that I am too sad to have a boyfriend right now. Because I am messed up. I can feel it. I smile too much, but there is still this sadness under everything. I have to learn to stop pretending, and to tell the truth to everybody about us breaking up.

I didn't go to the party this weekend, obviously. Still not ready to face those people, but it's not the same as lying.

Life goes on.

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