Hi Diary,

Friday night went dancing with Jeremy. He knew he wouldn't be able to pick me up until quite late, so I called and canceled with GymMan for working out the next day, figuring that I would be too tired to get up early enough to make it to the gym.

The evening was kind of a bust. First, Jeremy arrived later than he thought he would. Then he started going the wrong direction to the club. By the time we realized our mistake and turned around, we hit some heavy traffic, and didn't arrive to dance till 1am. I had already told him that I probably wanted to be home around 2-2:30 to get enough sleep for the next day, so this didn't leave us much time for dancing. To top the evening off, they weren't even playing our type of music when we got there! Apparently on Fridays they mix up the styles of music they play, and were done with our scene by the time we arrived.

We agreed to call it a wash and Jeremy offered to take me home. We did have some conversation about how we feel about each other-- he instigated it, rather, he asked me if I had "given any thought" about us and how I was doing with my "healing" in general. I was very honest with him, and told him I am just too sad to move forward with anyone right now.

I thought that was pretty clear, but the disturbing thing about the evening was that Jeremy is definitely having a hard time resisting getting closer to me. He keeps trying to hold my hand, before it was just to lead me to the dance floor, but the other night it was like he wanted just to hold it, or keep his arm wrapped around my waist. This in itself is not so bad, but I just don't feel comfortable with it. It is not a welcome thing for me. Instead I feel a lot of pressure and overwhelmed by it all.

It was Jeremy's birthday weekend so of course I wanted to be nice to him, but I guess I am just not attracted to him in that way. And the more he tries to push it, the more uncomfortable I become. Another example is that I went to kiss him on the cheek to say goodnight, which is our usual custom, but he is trying to go in for the slow, closed-eye make-out kiss... so I give him a little peck goodnight and he whines, "I want to kiss you more..." -- this after our previous conversation where I was very clear (I thought) that I am not into it right now-- so don't you think that's kind of pressure? This while I'm getting out of the car and I said, "I can't..."

So, I don't know if I'll be hanging out with him anymore, because I just don't want to deal with that. And maybe he's hoping that I will just eventually get over Frank and be really into him, but I don't think that's going to happen, because if it was, wouldn't it have happened already? I mean, look, I had immediate chemistry with Alphie whether I am still sad about Frank or not. So, I guess if I would ever have that kind of chemistry with Jeremy, I would have felt it by now.

Saturday was an okay day, did a lot of extra work. Saturday night I made the mistake of coming home and looking through a bunch of old photographs. Of course there is that one picture I took of Frank last summer, just the look in his eye and the shape of his mouth, that made me stare at it for a long time. I just kept thinking, this is the face I just thought I could look at forever. I really did. Then I sat down to watch a movie and I just started to cry.... thinking, when, when will this be over, why can't it just be over NOW? Geez.

Today, went to have brunch and play pool with Phil. It was good, I like him a lot... I don't know if he still feels attracted to me or what, but it feels like we can hang out and there's no pressure.

And that is good. He's a good guy.

I guess that's it for now: me, working too much still, crying too much still, and wishing for change.

Love,

Duck

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