Dear Diary,

Hey... so... my dad is okay, and I feel good about that.

Was feeling good in general last night, went out with co-workers, came home feeling happy, and lo and behold, what do you think was in my mailbox?

That's right. Another package from Frank! Can you believe it. If you recall, our last exchange was: he calls me to see if I want to get together because he has something to give me; I call him and say okay, call me on Sunday at noon; Sunday comes and he still hasn't called by 2:30 so I call him and say, don't know if you've changed your mind, let me know; he never calls but instead writes some weird totally self-involved email that's like a report on the shit he's going through; not knowing how to respond to that, I don't.

So, now he sends me this card (and the book) the card says, "Duck, Someday? Perhaps, when the space is not so wide, we can meet. Till then, know that I wish you the best. Frank."

I ask you, Diary, what the fuck? Frank orchestrated this whole drama-- the only reason we can't seem to "meet" is that he blows me off! But in his card, I sensed the tone of, "We have so many problems gettting it together."

Well, I was so enraged. The whole thing feels like way too much drama and again, like he is just shooting his little poison darts over my way and I have to deal with them. I cried, called a bunch of people, and finally decided to take Angel's advice above all others.

I sent the book back. With a very nice card, "Dear Frank, thank you so much for the nice gift. I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Perhaps, when the distance isn't so wide, as you say, you can present this to me in person. Till then, I don't feel right about taking it. I send you tons of healing and loving energy and I hope all things work out. :) Duck."

In case you are wondering, I don't feel my actions are passive aggressive, because this is not where it comes from with me. Instead, I am a) showing that I am not comfortable with accepting gifts from him if he has such a hard time dealing with me in real life , and b) reiterating that this indeed is HIS problem, not mine-- I was ready to meet him (even though I've had mixed feelings about it)-- if I say I'm going to do something, I will at least show up, I don't blow people off like that.

My other responses, such as calling and expressing how hurt I feel, don't seem to work, as we have seen in the past. So, this is just the way it will be, I suppose. I don't like to do anything that feels like a game, but as soon as I dropped that package in the mail, I felt a great deal of respect for myself. Just the knowledge that I am worth more than being dumped on, disrespected, and pulled into some psychodramas that I don't want to play. And being able to send a very clear message, by sending an actual physical thing back, really helped me to see that for myself.

By the way, my presentation went great yesterday, I got a lot of compliments on it, even from people I don't know. Yay! I was feeling good about that, and now that it's over, I think I can sleep better. I actually got a few winks last night.

Aaaah.

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]