Hi Diary,
Was a busy weekend. Hung out with the girls on Friday night. I feel bad, because I know they all like me so much, but sometimes I get really irritated. When someone can't seem to figure out something themselves, or depends on me too much, I start to feel really angry. One of the girls, Rachel, can't seem to make a decision for herself to save her life. Not only can't she decide where to go for vacation, or what restaurant she wants to eat in, she can't even decide what to wear. I'm not lying when I tell you she used to write me an email a day to ask me the same question: "What should I do about..."? I finally just had to stop answering her. I think I just can't take the helplessness, it reminds me of my mother, and how I always had to be the adult. Well, I am not interested in taking care of other adults, that's for sure.
Spent the weekend busy with seminars. Saw CF, she was reeeeaally nice to me. Why? I don't know. I have to remind myself that she always has an ulterior motive. I would like to believe otherwise, of course, because I guess I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. But, as you have seen, I am tricked everytime.
Treated myself to a massage last night. It was a last minute decision, one of those Chinese places where you can just walk in. I know my body needs more work, but I thought the 45 minutes would at least help me sleep.
I was wrong.
I don't know what the problem is, I lie down, and I'm tired, but my head stays awake. I'm not even thinking of anything in particular, I just can't sleep. It's depressing. Falling asleep is the problem, because in the morning I have a hard time waking up and getting going. So I suppose it's some mental thing. Last night I just told myself, "Duck, just cry, you know that's what you want to do," So I did, a little. I know this can't all be about Frank. It must be about something deeper. But I feel like there's something really wrong with me, and that maybe I have to consider sleeping medication, which I am not into at all.
So that's the long and the short of it.
Love,
Duck

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