still grieving [ 2004-09-29, 10:56 a.m. ]

Hi Diary,
In case you haven't noticed, I am so depressed. I have totally relapsed around my eating. I am bummed out constantly. Yesterday I found myself drawing sad faces on the suns in the "This Week's Weather" section of the paper.
I wish I would feel better. Aren't I supposed to feel better? I feel embarrassed because I don't, like I should be over it by now. Sometimes when I talk about it to my friends, I get the impression that they think I really should have moved on already. I don't know about you, but I thought two years with someone was pretty serious. And I guess I was planning for it to last a lot longer. And I don't know if I'm just having trouble getting used to the idea that that's not going to happen, or if I just really loved him, or if there's really no such thing as that kind of love at all, and really it's just indicative of something about my past that's really fucked up and I've got to work it out.
I suppose I should go back to therapy, but, as I mentioned before, I was starting to feel burnt out on my old therapist, and like she didn't really get me.
So I don't know. I still feel like I'm grieving. And most of the time I hide it. Which is no fun. I am still active. I still do things and meet people. I wish I knew what else to do. I am really trying. Simon told me I'm "not trying hard enough." That just pisses me off. I don't know what I am supposed to do, transcend my humanly form? How do you stop a feeling like this one?
If anyone has a clue, I would like to know.

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