Hi Diary,

Have come here often, but don't really feel like I have much to write about. I saw my parents last weekend, my dad for the first time since his car accident. I hadn't known that they gave him stitches all over his face, he has three big scars on his face right now. But he seems to feel all right, except for the cast itching.

So far, I've just been working a lot. Talia is not very happy with the way things have been going here. She says I am doing okay, but doesn't seem to know how to get everyone else to have a positive attitude and pitch in. It has been causing some tension.

I have a bunch of things to catch up on this week, and then this weekend is the dreaded party, where Psycho will be. I know it shouldn't affect me so much that she will be somewhere I am, I just feel the pressure to look REALLY good, y'know? I guess because I am all ashamed that Frank left ME. Uh, okay, so I have an ego, okay??

As far as Frank goes, it's been weird. After I did that last seminar, and saw Alphie and all my friends, I have been feeling quite good. And I started to think, I must be over Frank (fucking took long enough). It seems now, stranger and stranger to think of him in my life. Before he was such a part of my life, that obviously when he left there were these big gaping holes where he used to be, where we spent time together. Now my life is full again, and it's hard to think of somewhere where Frank would fit... with my new job, new friends, and new schedule of travel and trainings. Pretty interesting, huh?

Alphie is still confusing to me, after the last seminar, he called me twice in one day after I came home. He asked me to call him the next day, but when I did, he acted like he didn't know why I was calling. What the hell? Since then, it's been the same run-around with the phone. Now that I've already experienced the (NOT) pot of gold at the end of his rainbow, I really don't know why I should bother, or why I should let any of it bug me. I found myself looking at his picture and saying to myself, "He's just not "the one" or any kind of relationship material for me. I definitely thought there was potential there, because of the way he was acting in the beginning. But I have spent much more time either waiting for him to be more interested in me, or waiting for him to behave like he used to behave. That is the whole deal I was doing with Frank. I have to learn something; that it's not going to happen. I'll be waiting forever. This is not going anywhere. Alphie is just my friend that I slept with a few times, he is not partnership material."

Hopefully, I'll start listening to myself, and not get so disappointed. Again, it's not so much the personalities of Frank, or Alphie, that they are irreplaceable human beings in the scope of relationships for me-- it is that I'm lonely. I really want someone to be excited about me, someone that I'm excited about too. Not someone I have to teach about accepting emotions, or being alive, or anything like that.

Alphie is shut up like a brick fortress. If he has any feelings for me at all, I don't know what they are. You here all the time how men get scared, and act this way or that, but, then there's the book, "He's Just Not That Into You."

Angel said the best thing I can do is just be my beautiful happy self, because that's what draws love to a person. It's hard to start that cycle though... when I'm experiencing this longing.

(sigh) oh well.

In all honesty, I am happier with my life than I have been in a long time. Happy with my job, my school, my friends. I guess I just like to be in a relationship. I just miss things about it. And that's okay.

Talk to you later,
Duck

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