Hi Diary,
Ha! Back again. I neglected to write in my last entry, which I finished ten minutes ago... about

The Dreaded Ex.

Yes, as in my Ex. We thought we had smoothed everything out (or did we)? After he practically stalked me and wanted me to "move in with him" back to my hometown.

And I mentioned that we have had a couple phone calls that just ended up in arguments... the reason for this, I'm not sure... I don't know if I have a lot of unconscious anger at him, for all that time he criticized me, put me down for having feelings, and/or tried to control me. Remember when he decided he wanted to be with me, and that he wanted me to move in with him? Well, my feelings or my life didn't come into his thoughts at all, he is like a three year old, I want this now and it sounds like a good thing, so why doesn't Duck just drop everything and do it?

The reason for this is that Ex has had an alcohol/drug habit for many years, thus keeping him sheltered from any of his own emotions. He is so lost in the realm of feelings and emotions.. that he just doesn't understand them. He doesn't understand why people can't just operate on logic and thoughts alone. Emotional people, like myself, constantly piss him off, because he JUST DOESN'T GET IT.

So why am I still connected to this person? I do not know. We've known each other for about 17 years. He's had a rough life, and I feel a lot of compassion for him. But I've come to the point where I am just tired of people judging me, and criticizing me, and implying that I should be something other than who I am.

Anyway, the story: I made arrangements for Ex to pick me up at the airport. He seemed very excited about doing that, I don't know if he's hoping that somehow, we will connect more deeply the more time he spends with me. Of course we got in an argument the day before. He called to ask if I could bring something with me, and asked how I was. I said I wasn't feeling so well, and he said he felt a little sick too, but it was good. That confused me. Why does it feel good? Next thing I know he is yelling at me, basically calling me a bitch. Saying why don't I give him the good news first. Well, here's the thing about me. I just say how I feel-- and if I don't feel good, and you ask me how I am, I'm going to tell you, I don't feel good. What's the point of faking a whole conversation around that.

Anyway, he starts arguing with me, and suddenly, I just don't even want to be involved. I want to hang up on him. I want to disengage. I want to walk away. There is nothing in it for me that is worth fighting for. I refuse to argue. He pushes and prods me, but I attempt to steer the conversation to the logistics of the situation.

Next evening, he meets me at the airport. All is well, calm, he is driving, blowing his cigarette out the window. He asks me how things have gone with Frank. I tell him how Frank has been acting very strange, how he blew me off, but then sent me a card and a gift. I told him how I sent the gift back, because I don't want to play games. I don't want gifts from someone who can't even see me face to face or call me on the phone.

At this point, Ex is rolling his eyes, and says, "You are a hard person to get along with," and then proceeds to dig back to how "bitchy" I've been-- yes, we've had two arguments on the phone, one which was quickly resolved and I apologized for, the other which I just described above.

I hate him. I just hate him. He is ruining the ride home, which could be pleasant. What about right in this moment? Am I hard to get along with now? Now he is judging me because I have had enough of Frank's games. Because he doesn't understand feelings... otherwise he might empathize with me, wow, this guy has really given you the run-around, yes, you should just ignore him, don't let him toy with you.

I want to jump out of the car. It's all I can do not to say anything. Guess what, Ex? The only person I am hard to get along with, is YOU. Because you are a controlling fuck, who can't understand that. Also, guys don't understand that when you sit there and say to a woman, "You act like a real bitch," ESPECIALLY when she hasn't even been a bitch in that moment, what choice are you giving her? When you make a judgment call like that, and label me, in that moment, do you think that's going to make me act pleasant? No. You just fucking insulted me, and yeah, now I'm going to feel bitchy. What an asshole.

I bit my tongue, didn't say much of anything. Time passed, he said his piece, and that he just wanted to get along. "Okay, " I said, "Sure, I want to get along too." I said I would call him on Sunday.

Which I did, he didn't answer. Phew. Sort of relieved. I just left a message, saying I was busy with my parents.

Well I am sitting there at my parents' house on Sunday afternoon and guess who just "stops by?" It's Ex. Okay, fine. I've known him since high school, so whatever. He then proceeds to act in a way which I think is very innappropriate in my parents' house. For one, he points out that my underwear is peeking out above my jeans. a) big fucking deal, and b) it's not something you have to say in front of my father. He was really being kinda sleazy about it too. Then, he was hitting me on the ass with a CD. Later, we were sitting alone on the couch (my parents were out of the room) and he starts pretend-choking me. "That's not my scene," I said, trying to brush off his little joke. "No, but it's my scene," he said, "Everything's not all about you."

Even though that little exchange was supposed to be a joke, it tells a lot about Ex, doesn't it.

I just wanted him to leave. He wouldn't go, until I was getting into my mother's car to go to the airport. Then he hugged me so hard and kissed me on both cheeks. I just wanted to wipe myself off. Ugh.

I NEVER want him to pick me up at the airport again. I'll never tell him when I'm visiting my parents, because I don't want him "dropping in" anymore. He can fuck off. I'm real sorry about his fucked up family, sad life, inability to comprehend emotions, etc. but enough is enough.

He is used to the accomodating Duck, the Duck that put everyone else's feelings first... that's why I'm "so hard to get along with" now... I don't want to do that anymore.

Just disgusted by him, and everything. He is not sober. He goes to meetings and says he is in recovery. Well he's not. He uses opiates and possibly heroin every three to four days, to "maintain".

He is not a conscious person, and I am only hurting myself by catering to him.

It's so over. I want myself back.

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