Hi Diary,
A few minutes to myself again... lots of things going on here. I spent the weekend with Henrick, and while nothing romantic occurred, it just made miss... you know who. Ugh. I'm so sorry I had to say it. But it almost seems like at this point, Henrick has so much in common with Frank (as far as age, owning his own business, etc.) that it reminded me a lot of my past relationship. And I felt a little sad. Because even though Henrick is very cool, and might be more than a little bit into me, I just found myself really thinking I'd rather be with you-know-who!

So many similarities, even down to the ex-psycho girlfriend. While we were walking down the street, Henrick got a call from his ex (they just broke up about 3 months ago) who starts yelling at him about seeing other women in other cities. Apparently while Henrick was here, he met up with a mutual friend of theirs for coffee, and told this other woman that he was going to hang out with me. The mutual friend must have called the ex and then the ex starts stalking Henrick by phone-- ridiculous! Made me think, okay this is definitely a pattern, what is the universe trying to tell me by putting these men (and their crazy ex-girlfriends) in my life?

Altogether it was a nice visit, but I was glad to have a little time to myself. Whenever someone comes to visit it's a lot of strain on me, I didn't realize. I end up spending more money, to do things and go out to eat, for one thing. Another is I just don't have a lot of time... my days seem to fill up quite fast. I'm sure this is because I am still working extra shifts on Mondays and Tuesdays, which doesn't give me an opportunity to do anything in the evenings.

Which reminds me, have I told you about my job? Well everything is changing, and I'm not sure it's for the better. I think Talia had very high ideals for the business that didn't pan out, so we weren't pulling in as much revenue as she hoped. So now things are changing big time. Instead of working on commission I guess I am going to get a flat rate, which is cool in some ways, but only if the other people stay on to do their part of the work. And I am afraid a lot of them will leave-- we can't do it without them. At this point no one knows exactly what they are going to do-- go or stay--because everything is supposed to go into effect on Dec 1st. I'm leaving for the training early on next month, so this is rather unnerving. I won't even be here to see how it all works out, as a matter of fact things might be totally different (or not exist at all) by the time I come back!

Oh well. I guess whatever happens, happens...

A couple nights ago I talked to Katrina, one of the women I met at the seminar I went to in October. She is the woman that really had a crush on Alphie; I originally felt some kind of jealousy about that (until we had the really bad sex). At any rate, it's a little twisted because she and I got along very well, and she asked me a lot of questions about the work, etc, so I kind of took her under my wing, as well as we seem to get along as friends. At some point she confessed to me that she liked Alphie very much, obviously she didn't see any connection between me and him. I didn't bother to tell her that I had stayed with him a couple times, or had (bad) sex with him. It didn't seem like something I should say anything about.

When I spoke to her on Sunday night, we talked about a lot of stuff. Having a conversation with Katrina feels kind of like a hockey fight. There's a lot going on, and you have to jump in and be very aggressive about it. Sadly, I don't remember what country she is from- I want to say Hungary-- anyway she talks a lot, very fast, with a thick accent-- and I have to talk over her sometimes to get my thought in or she'll just keep going. It's rather comical.

Anyway we got on the subject of guys, she asked me if I had a boyfriend and I said no. Then she started going on about how she was dumping this one and that one, and she started to talk about Alphie, how he had come to see her and given her his phone number, but she was really wondering about him, I mean he seems like a child yet I think he's too old for her, plus it seems he could have any woman he wants, he is very good looking, why would he choose her? That's pretty much how her sentence came out... all at once like that. Interesting, that these were the same thoughts I had about Alphie. And what it made me think was, Alphie is the same with everybody. Nobody is really that special to him.

Let me tell you a little story about when I visited Alphie in Canada. At some point we were in the grocery store, he starts chasing me around and singing this little song. He sings the song faster and faster until I'm laughing hysterically, and he's trying to tickle me.

A month or so later, a friend of Alphie's named Susan was visiting my town. He gave us each other's numbers, since he wanted us to meet. I went out to dinner with Susan and we had a nice time. At one point in our conversation, Susan was telling me about her daughter, and how Alphie was like an uncle to her. She said, "Oh, from the time she was little he would sing her this little song, and sing it faster and faster and tickle her until she just laughed and laughed."

?

Interesting, no?

Yes, at that point I realized, but didn't really want to admit to myself, what hit home on Sunday night after speaking to Katrina.

Alphie's bag of tricks is relatively small. What he's really good at is making you feel special right in that moment. But when it comes to experiencing depth of emotion and feeling, he doesn't share much of himself. Not that he's not a sweet person, or doesn't do nice things for people. What I'm realizing more and more is that Alphie is very insecure, and he has a lot of armor. Some of his armor are these "acts" that he has put together-- skits like his little song that are guaranteed to get a laugh. Another part of it is his body, how he builds up big and strong, and is very concerned with his appearance (the last time I saw him in the hotel, I caught a glimpse of these elevator things men put in their shoes to make themselves taller- apparently Alphie is not quite six feet tall, but feels the need to be). What I get most about him is that he wants to be some kind of superman or hero. It's actually kind of sad because he never puts his own needs first. Once I caught him looking at my plate at a seminar, he wasn't signed up for the meal plan so I asked him if he was hungry. He said, "I ate earlier." I said, "That's not what I asked." He couldn't even ask me if he could have a bite of my food.

Regardless, I think Alphie is a good person and tries to do his best, the best that he can. The more important factor is that I need to get this through my thick skull. In the moment that I realize Alphie wears this mask, a lot, I realize that any hope of having somebody like this truly care about me and want to share themselves on an intimate level is hopeless. It's just not going to happen.

So where does that leave me? Kind of feeling lonely. I am an obsessive personality in this arena. I like to focus my attention on somebody else. I am waiting to be chosen by somebody, and I guess I do a lot of gymnastics around a person to try and make it easier for them to choose me. The whole game around calling/not calling. The thing with Frank, and making sure he had some photos of me to put on his fridge (so he wouldn't 'forget' me?) I go through life trying to insure that someone will love me. It's like I'm operating on the level of a four-year-old most of the time and I don't even know it. Bad news, people. Bad news.

I know I've said this before, and I know I've said I've got to do something about it. I can't live my life chasing around somebody else, some unavailable man. Waiting for somebody who never even wanted to be intimate with me to suddenly come running back. It's just not going to happen. It's like an embarrassing sickness.

Alphie, I always want to be his friend, but I have to let go of the idea that suddenly he is going to open his heart to me and tell me I'm special.

Frank, maybe someday we can be friends too. But I have to let go of the idea that that was ever more than it truly was. The whole thing was a struggle for intimacy.

When I have no one else to focus on, and it's just me... what happens then?

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