Dear Diary,
I'm so sorry I've been neglecting you! I was away for two weeks at the training, and then only home for one week before I was off again on another adventure. During the time I was back it seemed I could never get the "alone time" needed to update! And I have been back a week, but so enthralled catching up on everyone else's diaries that I have neglected to write anything...

Well, let's see, I last left you and took off for the training... which was interesting, to say the least. Right away, in the airport, I met up with Karen and Lee, a couple that I met last time. Then Alphie came to pick us up, so the four of us were together for some time.

The first two days, I stayed with Alphie in his room. In the training there is another girl that Alphie supposedly sees on and off, like me. She has a "boyfriend" at the training as well, but he has other girlfriends. This whole casual relationship thing is sending me for a whirl-- I'm not used to it. I'm not even sure if I'm the type to be involved in it. And yet, what can I say? I'm attracted to Alphie, we live so far apart that there's no way we can be exclusive, so what can I do about that? I decided to just do my best and ride with it.

The first two nights, Alphie invited me to stay in his room. It was very sweet, being with him again. I had said to myself that I wasn't going to chase him around, and I didn't have to. It felt more like he really wanted me there, and let me know. We didn't have sex, though he did ask me to "help him get to sleep" aka a hand job. Which I didn't mind. We were fooling around a little bit, and he wasn't feeling the best and did need to sleep. I'm not necessarily one of those quid pro quo girls... anyway I knew my time would come.

The third night, I didn't see hide or hair of Alphie, even though he'd told me he'd see me later. This I took to mean that we would meet up and sleep in the same bed again. Needless to say, I took it as some kind of promise, which maybe I shouldn't have, and I was quite disappointed. I ended up sleeping in my own bed, alone, in my own room. Which I guess is okay, since I paid for it.

The next day, I'm having breakfast and Alphie waltzes in with Marie, the other girl he's dating. I say waltzing, meaning, he comes in and doesn't say hi or anything. They just sit down and start having breakfast. At this point, I am truly bummed. Everything I hate has just happened to me, and all my abandonment issues are rising to the surface. Marie is cute as pie, which makes it all the more irritating.

But I am determined not to let my whole two weeks turn to crap. The best thing, I decide, is just to ignore this little snag, and try to have as good a time as I can. I'm sitting at a table with a few people who invite me to go exploring, as we have the afternoon off, and I accept immediately. Then I'm in the middle of a conversation with a gorgeous Italian man (with an accent and everything), and Alphie comes over and kisses me on the neck. His way of finally saying good morning, I guess. Now that I look back on it, maybe I was overreacting, but at that point in the day I'd already been hurt and not feeling the best feelings toward him.

I spent the day with Bill, Patrick and Lacey, and we had a really great time. We all laughed a lot and got to see the high points of the city. Then we came back to the training room, and I noticed that Alphie had rearranged all the chairs and folders, and had put his chair and folder next to mine. When he came back to the room, he asked, "Where did you go? I thought we were going out together?" And I said, "Oh, I thought we'd run into each other, that we were all going to the same places," (which is true; I really did think that- but turns out that he and Marie were going to some different places. Regardless, whatever happened there, it seemed Alphie missed me).

The rest of the days-- well they went by so fast, in such a blur. But after that one day when I went off without him, I couldn't get rid of Alphie if I tried. We did the majority of our practice exercises together, ate together, and most times slept in the same bed. I think there was one more night we didn't sleep together-- and that was because Alphie was having so much trouble sleeping (apparently we both suffer from insomnia, but his is of the variety where he wakes up a lot in the middle of the night) that he said I was keeping him awake with my breathing or rolling over or snoring or something. But the next night he came and got me and asked me if I'd stay in his room.

It's difficult to explain in one recap diary entry, but sooo much happened between us on this trip. For one thing, I finally had it out with him about his behavior after my visit to his house. I was feeling so confused, with Marie there and everything... and we were talking about having sex again, being lovers. And he said something like, "Well, I don't want to hurt you, so if it's going to upset you if I hang out with Marie, or someone else..."

ME: I know that you're with other people, that doesn't bother me. It's if I'm right there and you ignore me that I have a problem with.

HIM: I would never do that! Don't you know how I feel about you?

ME: No, actually, I really don't.

HIM: You are one of my very best friends. I think you're awesome.

ME: Well, I would never know that by how you treat me. I really didn't know what to think. Especially since I would call you, you'd tell me you were busy and would call me back in 10 minutes... and then you wouldn't call me for weeks. And that time I was at your house, you made that big deal about sleeping together vs. not sleeping together, because you would call me a few days later and I might be all sad-- well kind of ironic because you never even called me at all! And that kind of hurt my feelings, that you made such a big deal about it and then you didn't even check in with me--

HIM: I didn't?

ME: No, you didn't. And... I mean I know we live far apart and everything, but when I make friends with people, I like to keep in touch with them. And your behavior just confuses me. You talk about me like you think I'm great, but you don't treat me that way...

We are having this whole conversation in the dark, lying in bed. At this point, I realize that Alphie is crying. I don't mean crying so much as weeping, really sniffling and tons of tears pouring out.

HIM: I'm so sorry. I didn't realize-- I've been so busy, and then my phone broke, and I had both your numbers in my phone--

And on and on, trying to explain but crying at the same time. I just kissed him and held him and kind of shushed him. He didn't have to make excuses. I was just touched that he even cried. Alphie does not cry, he's Superman, remember?

Anyway, after that, Alphie cried on me a few more times. It seemed his heart had really opened up and he was far more vulnerable with me. After the training, we took a couple of extra days and hung out with Karen and Lee. Believe it or not, Alphie and I had still not had sex at this point.

He tried to initiate with me late one night, but it was still along the lines of: "Yeah I'm tired but if we have sex I'll come and then I'll go right to sleep" kind of thing. But I said, in very clear words, "Listen, Alphie, sex is something different for me. If you want to make love to me, that's one thing. But I don't want to be a way that you can get off so you can go to sleep." And rolled over on him.

Next thing you know, he's saying he will make love to me and he will not come, because he wants to be with me. And, Diary, it was sooo much better than before... mmm maybe Stacey is right about the 6 time rule... anyway... he actually gave me more foreplay, and-- GET THIS-- oral sex. It wasn't very good, but he sure did try hard, I'll give him that. What the hell? He must have decided to do it because all the guys at the training were talking about it. And, this time I took the initiative, and chose all the positions I liked. I could have gone on longer, but I guess he was tired, and he did apologize-- he's been sick for a month or so with severe fatigue-- and promised he'd make it up to me in the morning.

That morning never came, since all sorts of holy hell erupted with his business, and he spent half of the next day on the phone. We spent our last few hours together going to Ben's house, Marie's boyfriend, to have dinner with them. I know that sounds stranger than ever... but... at least I was happy I finally got some decent attention. And I am trying really hard to like Marie. If we weren't seeing the same guy I'd have absolutely no problem liking her. So I'm trying not to be spoiled, and, basically think outside the conventional relationship box.

Alphie and I went to the airport together, and the same thing, he called me two or three times a day for the next week or so.

I was only here working about a week, and then I went to hang out with Stacey. Stacey and I took a road trip to see Karen and Lee, and Alphie, who was staying with them. So I got to see him once again for New Year's Eve. Which I don't know if it was a big deal or not. He said he never really goes out for New Year's Eve, but was determined to spend it with me. I was under the weather and not feeling so hot, so it was a quiet party of six people, and the next day was very lazy for all of us. And yeah, we had sex again, but, it didn't last too long (he came again). I wish he would hold off on doing that. I really need a man with some stamina.

Huh. So, since then, I'm back at the normal schedule here at work. As for work, so far things seem okay. It's a lot slower and quieter than before, and thankfully, I'm still getting paid, so it seems okay. Talia goes in and out of her bad moods, I just have to learn not to take it personally.

Stacey is here visiting me, and we are going to have a lot of fun this week. I have one client on my own-- that's a new thing. I am nervous as hell about working for myself, and will I be able to do a good job. Well, think good thoughts for me, Diary.

I've been dancing a little bit, so that's good. I need to get back into shape, so I'm determined to get back to the gym as well.

I don't see Aleda as much anymore, and I think that actually helps our friendship.

Phil has not returned any of my calls, so I'm really not sure what is up with him. I'm worried I snubbed his advances one too many times, and he's mad at me or something.

Frank sent me a Christmas card and another weird book in the mail. I'm just ignoring him.

Alphie is back to his old self. I called him on Sunday, he said he'd call me back later, and now it's Tuesday. Should I just not take it personally? Is he just lame? Or should I just consider myself not in his top priority of people? I felt really bummed out about it for the last couple of days, but I guess I just have to make my own fun and have no expectations about anything. I don't know what to think. At the training a few men asked me if Alphie and I are dating. All I said was, I live here, he lives there. "I know, but are you, like, going out?" When I told Alphie about this, I said, "I guess Liam and Fred have a little crush on me." He said, "Everybody has a little crush on you. Except me. I have a big crush on you." And sometimes he talked very vaguely of us living together. I don't know what that means, and I didn't really ask for clarification. It just seems bizarre to me that a guy would talk about stuff like that, and then not even call you back.

If you have any ideas about this, I'd love to hear them.

Thanks,
Duck

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