Dear Diary,

Well, I just wrote Phil a breezy, invitationy kind of email, because we were both out of town for his birthday, and I'm trying to initiate contact with him. I've left him about 4 messages in the past few weeks, none of which he has returned. I find myself irritated by the whole thing.

I've gone onto the online personals, but I don't even have a profile at this point. (correction: I have 3 lame profiles at 3 lame sites that have yielded nothing). I'm sitting at site #4, where at least I meet people, albeit not the right people (i.e., the guy who had to talk about his sensitive nipples, and Stan, who collects toys and has no life goals), and suddenly thinking, what the hell am I doing? I must be really, really bored. Why ad anyone else into the mix right now? Do I really have time?

One of my problems with Stan is that I really should tell him to go away. Every time I think things are dead and buried, he'll call me wanting to get together, sounding very enthusiastic and excited. And I want to say, why? We don't have anything in common. I really don't know how to say to someone, I am not attracted to you, see ya! So it turns out being a watery kind of friendship that feels like it takes more than it gives. I suppose that's as unfair to him as it is to me... but I am so concerned with hurting his feelings.

Then again there is the argument that if I was really concerned with his feelings I would tell him-- wouldn't I?

Hmm, I am so evil.

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