Hi Diary,

Well, do you want the good news or the bad news?

Hmm.

I'm not sure what the good news is, exactly. I guess I am doing all right.

Yesterday Talia told me that she might cut me down to part time. You know I have those money fears... but I'm trying not to get too out of hand. Think logically. I have one client now for my own business, so that's good. There's the possibility for more... I got another referral from a friend. The couple of people that I've told about the downsizing have both said, "Well, maybe it's time for you to focus on your own business." So I guess that may be true.

I don't really know how to market myself or anything like that, so that should be an experience.

The weekend was okay. I didn't go dancing at all, since on Saturday I felt like I was starting to get sick. It always starts in my throat, and I felt really tired. So I ended up spending a few last hours with Stacey before she went to the airport. Then I went home and took a four hour nap. Sunday I felt much better, and worked on my personal promotion stuff all day. I started thinking about Phil and the fact that I hadn't heard from him in forever. I'd written him a couple of emails, not to mention leaving 4 or 5 phone messages. I decided to try a little experiment. I blocked my number and called his cell, and sure enough he picked up. I hung up immediately, because I wasn't really prepared to say anything-- really I just wanted to confirm if my suspicions about him avoiding me were correct. Which I guess, they were. After that, I felt truly sad, and decided to continue with my experiment. I called a half hour later, deciding that if Phil didn't answer this time, I would know he really had a problem with me. He did pick up though. We had a little small talk and then I asked him if he'd gotten my messages. He said he had but he'd just been being a dick. That he was so busy, he didn't want to respond and just put me off again and again, so his solution was not to call back (this doesn't make sense to me at all, but, okay). And then, the real issue is, over the past couple of weeks he's met someone. And, I guess they are in love.

Isn't that ironic, I said allowed. And he asked me what I meant and I just decided to be truthful and I told him how I know he's been trying to get close to me but I've had to sort out my feelings about Frank, and then the last time I saw him (Phil) I totally wanted to kiss him but I didn't. Phil didn't have much response to that, he did acknowledge that he's attracted to me and has liked me for a long time, but was nervous and didn't know how to handle it.

The whole thing made me feel quite sad, but not brokenhearted. After all, I was attracted to Phil, not in love with him. I love that he is sensitive and caring, but it wasn't like I had dreams of spending the rest of my life with him. It's not like Alphie, where there was an immediate attraction... so I guess I can't complain. I guess I was just feeling lonely and wanting a little companionship.

I was waiting for a call from Jeremy, we had talked about going dancing on Sunday night. But he never returned any of my calls. I started to think all of my admirers had abandoned me. I waited till Monday, and called him in the morning at work. He said he'd lost his cell. He didn't sound as excited to talk to me as he usually does though-- I don't know if that's my imagination-- but-- all I can think is maybe you can only blow someone off for so long and they lose interest in you-- and even if they said they wanted to be friends, eventually they want to hook up. I'm no expert on anything, but that's my guess about this situation.

So that's my (lack of) love life. I seem to be down in the polls. Really, at this point, I would love to make out with someone. Have some mutually enjoyable physical closeness. But I won't do that unless I connect with their sense of humor and intellect.

I'm so damn picky.

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