Dear Diary,

Well I don't feel like I have that much to say, but I thought I'd update anyway. I was trying to update last week, but the site wasn't working.

Probably by the beginning of February, I will only be working 3 days a week for Talia. I know, I could be upset; I gave up my "real" job, with dental and health insurance, for this. But, on the other hand, a lot of great things have happened for me as a result of being here. And not having to see BossMan anymore.

So, where do I go from here? I still have one client, and was referred another. But rather than talking business, this guy wanted to take me out for dinner and an evening on the town first. I was warned that he liked to make everything very social but he is a very good client, so I agreed. We went out on Sunday night, and I actually had a really good time... the only thing about this guy is that he tends to talk about himself a lot. I feel that he really desires intimacy, but he doesn't know how to go about it. He wanted me to just spill my guts and tell him something amazing and secretive about myself, but that's not how I operate. And why would I, anyway? What I got from him is that he has some kind of longing for a connection and to be "special" to somebody. It's almost kind of sad. You can tell how insecure he is by the things he says, and how much he obviously wants you to like him. At times it could be irritating but when I stop and think why it's happening, I feel more sorry for him and actually have compassion for the whole situation.

At this point, I'm not even sure that he wants to be my client! Everytime I tried to initiate conversation around business, he would say, "Oh let's not talk about that now." How professional am I, you may ask. Well, Diary, let's not focus on that. He is very nice and generous and wants to meet with me again on Friday. Maybe something good will come out of it. His name is Evan.

In other news, I have talked with Alphie a bit about co-creating a project, but the whole thing is bringing me down. I think he has unrealistic expectations of what we can do, considering the fact that we hardly ever have time to communicate about anything. When I call him during the day, we are both at work and are often interrupted. Email is out since he really is not computer literate, and can't type quickly. The whole thing left me feeling rather frustrated, and that anything we try to do will be very poor quality since we can't even get it together enough to communicate.... Friday night I just started sobbing on my pillow-- I'm guessing from the frustration of it all, I don't know-- and felt that way for a couple of days. I tried to talk myself out of it, believe in myself-- but it feels like a lot of pressure, to suddenly start promoting myself and putting together projects on my own. Now how am I supposed to make other people believe in me when I hardly believe in myself?

So at this point I am thinking of scaling down the project significantly. Alphie can still be involved, but I am not going to let him build it up into something that's so huge we can't do it, especially if he's barely there to build it. I will do my own outline and if he doesn't like it, tough shit. I think he is spread a little too thin in his life, and he needs to decide where his energy is going to go.

And for me, I guess it's important to just plod along, day by day...

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]