Hi Diary,

I don't know what to think... I am going to see Alphie and Grace this weekend, and actually, I feel kind of happy, despite all my other friends kind of treating me with kid gloves like I should be upset, as if I've been replaced. But instead I've been feeling kind of good and like my life has gotten more interesting and, almost like the love in my life has been exponated (is that a word)? As I've said I'm not going anywhere anytime soon, it is just exciting to feel this interest from Grace. She called and said she couldn't wait to see me. Not in a sleazy way either, but in a way that says she actually likes me, and wants to know me. I don't know if this heals the part of me that wants to be accepted by the feminine as well as the masculine.

I don't know what I'm in for, I know I am sensitive and even when I thought I could keep myself in perspective with Alphie, it was obvious I was still in a kind of fog about how he felt about me. It is totally possible that he and Grace could meet up with me, and whatever happens happens over the weekend, and then they go home and I don't hear from them again. I don't know, I just don't. As usual I am just riding along in life and doing my best in trying to feel into myself and what I want. I am not always sure of what that is. Obviously Alphie doesn't fulfill me in terms of relationship, but you know I had a really hard time staying away from him. As much as I bitch and complain about what he does and doesn't do, when we are in the same room, I just love him and I'm so happy he's my friend. I don't know why. And I don't know if I was relieved to have his invitation to come and live with him, like he still wanted me in his life. And now having someone else that likes my energy so much she would just have that excitement and caring for me... maybe it's just appealing to the dreamy young side of my brain.

Believe me, I'll let you know.

I don't know who to talk to, my feelings are complex, the situation sounds complex to other people especially those who can't think any other way than in terms of monogamy. This is new and different and I guess I just need space and open-mindedness.

Glad you are here Diary.

Love,
Duck

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