Dear Diary,

Try as I might, I couldn't get out of bed today before now. Just too exhausted. And, having crazy dreams.

Now it's all a little fuzzy, but there was a lot of pressure for me to pack a bag to stay overnight somewhere. And who is waiting to drive me away but an ex-neighbor of mine, actually a girl that was always mean to me so I don't know why I'd be going anywhere with her to sleep over. And another ex-neighbor of mine, the lady that used to babysit for me in the mornings before I had to catch the bus. She was there too, I think she was having a big party. And there was some sort of performance that was going to happen wherever I was going, because I was practicing standing on my hands (which I've never been able to do) and thinking I was going to really wow them at the show. The weirdest part was as I was racing around trying to find something to wear for the next day (and I had a great closet full of beautiful clothes) I was extremely aroused. Weird. Almost like I was going to have an orgasm at any moment. Then I just woke up and really had to pee.

Whew. That was chaotic. So, no plans for this whole weekend. I know I have some work I can catch up on, so maybe I'll concentrate on that. I stayed up too late last night, reading diaries and so forth. I'll have to get my sleep schedule back to something normal. But I'm trying not to judge myself too bad, figuring that I need the rest. It's been such a LONG time since I've slept in or really been very lazy for a succession of days. Maybe I am just worn out?

Also, everytime I wake up I have a tendency to immediately think about money, mainly, how much debt I have. I guess it could be worse, and I work hard to pay off a chunk every month, but lately my expenses seem to be growing and I'm not making significant enough (for me) dents in my debt. So, I guess I'm quite worried about it, if it's the last thing I think about at night and the first thing I think about when I wake up.

I've never been a wild spender but I've never been much of a budgeter either. For the most part my attitude has been, life is short, so I'm going to take this trip, or do this-- and, also, I've been buying things that are considered "investments" for my business. So it's hard for me to "cut down". For most of my life I've worked two jobs or more and usually been so miserable doing that that I consoled myself by buying and spending whatever way I wanted. But, I always paid off my credit card every month and put a little money into savings. I guess most people who have severe debt problems don't do that.

Now, this is a new stage for me. Because of my trainings I had to charge large amounts of moneymoneymoney. I would like to get rid of my debt completely by the end of this year. It is only a few thousand dollars but in reality I don't know if that's possible with what I'm doing now. I suppose I could do some other things to supplement, get some jobs on the side or something like that?

It's weird, I am still worried about financial issues but not to the point I used to be. There's one part of me that has that worry, and there's another part that says, "Fuck it, it will turn out fine. I'm tired of compromising myself and accepting abuse for money. I'm not gonna do it anymore." That is extrememely WEIRD, Diary. Usually I would be in a constant PANIC about money. Even if you read back at older entries, I was always really worried about losing my job and what was I gonna do and how was I going to make it, etc. etc. Well somehow I got to this point where if I don't like how it feels, I'm just not going to do it, and.... I dunno... I just trust that it's all going to work out.

Except, just that slight worry of the logistics of everything at night and in the morning, like an old habit. But day to day, this attitude has taken me over: "I'm going to make my life the way I want it. I'm not going to settle for anything less." Example: Louie is just begging me to work for him, a few hours here, a few hours there, please help me out Duck. And I really don't give a shit, it is not worth the money for me to come in and put up with his bullshit. I am sick of the way I feel when I am there, I am sick of him being so wrapped up in his stuff that he says whatever abusive thing he wants at the time (even though he apologizes for it later, but it just happens again), I am sick of him hovering over me and trying to micromanage every moment of my time because what he really needs is a momma to pay attention to him as well as someone to wipe his ass and do every little thing in the business because no matter how many times you explain how to do something he does just not listen so he never learns anything new.

Bitter? No. Yes. No.

Just over it.

Want something different.

Reminds me. Did I mention that I saw CF a couple of weeks ago. It was a weird situation, a conference and we said hi at the beginning, it was fine. But the second day she came up to me and said in a very accusing way that I had fucked up and pissed this person off and that person off and there was going to be hell to pay so watch out.

No, this was not a dream, it was real life! For a minute I got really worried about everything she was saying. And then I walked away and realized that all the stuff she was talking about wasn't even true. It is just the same old drama that she has always thrived on. I think that she is upset because a) I've started my own business and b) she offered me extra work and, in my new spirit of Fuck That, I refused to work for her...

But it was interesting to watch. I really did get triggered into that scapegoat role. And then I realized that it was all her stuff, And, that was the way my life used to be every day for three freakin' years! Can you believe it? I sure can't. Boy oh boy, was I miserable, and you can see why. I could never do anything right, even though I was the most dependable, hardworking employee you ever did see. To this day, they have STILL not been able to replace me.

My point is, I am done with that life, done with sacrificing my soul to survive. I just refuse to do it anymore. There are people who will always tell you you've got to do a bunch of stuff you don't want to do to get where you need to go. Like Frank used to say, work within the system for a time and then change things the way you want them to be. Well, as far as I'm concerned, I've done enough of that.

I'm done! I'm ready to embrace something new. Ready to take the risks that can bring my life to what I want it to be. If it doesn't work, at least I know I tried.

And on the practical side, I need to a) stop charging stuff on my credit card completely, and b) make a commitment to increase the amount I pay on it every month.

It's that simple.

Well now that I've figured that out... maybe I'll go grocery shopping (what sensible people who are budgetting do, rather than buying food on the road...)

See ya later,
Duck

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