old stuff coming up [ 2005-08-07, 11:57 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

It seems to me that I get overwhelmed when I think about the future too much. Tonight I started looking at flights and tried to figure out how I will be able to manage another training this year for school. I thought I felt fine, then realized afterward that I felt a little bit of stress. I'm sure everything will work out fine, it always has, but it's interesting to watch.

I think I'm also feeling a little stressed because I am supposed to drop by my old work tomorrow and give an hour or so advice/training to that replacement girl again (if she is still there). I did get a call from Louie, he's all right but I feel he is too controlling. He said there is somebody interested in meeting me to talk about my work, he wants a commission for referral. Which is fine but he said, maybe you can have a meeting and work out this and that with her tomorrow. The thing is I feel like if those kinds of things happen (and this would be something that would require preparation), Louie should give me at least 24 hrs notice which is professional business etiquette. 14 hrs notice does not really count especially when I need 8 of those hours to sleep, calling me at 11pm on a Sunday night does not count. I was only planning on spending 2.5 hrs there tomorrow and I have plans for the rest of the day. Anyway I don't want to go there in any office work capacity anymore, that is another thing that is really bothering me. I am just done with the whole resentful fiasco working for Louie has been. Done. I swallowed so much of his crap since February and now it sickens me to just think about walking into the office. I want to be done, not sucked into spending extra time there.

What can I say, I will go in there and stick to my guns but just the mere feeling of Louie disregarding my time upsets me... I know it's probably no big deal and sounds silly. The thing is I have a long history of being controlled and manipulated by other people from a very young age and I guess that is the first feeling that comes up. It's just old stuff. I know in reality I can handle everything and say no. I'm not the best person with boundaries as you can see by my history with CF. I have been working really hard and getting better. It's so easy for me to feel intruded upon or disrespected. Sometimes it's hard for me to tell if I am overreacting.

It's nice of Louie to think about giving me work, but at the same time I want him to understand that my time is my own and that needs to be respected. Louie has a habit of creating fantasy relationships, like thinking that he can take over and be somebody's big time manager and handle all their affairs. Even though I have repeatedly told him I am going independent, he keeps bringing up ideas of working together, this and that, almost like a partnership.

I don't know if I'm making any sense, but I'm just trying to organize my thoughts so I can feel better, and break this pattern of fear that keeps coming up for me. I think part of it is memories of working for CF. If you remember she would keep me there for hours and hours until what she wanted was done, and she would refuse to pay me until that happened. I don't know why I let her bully me like that for so many years. Well, I do-- I mean, it makes sense if I grew up never learning to set boundaries and then I kept getting into these situations.

Louie cannot make me stay. He is just enthusiastic and doesn't mean any harm, I'm sure, but he does need to learn that I need proper notice to set up meetings, etc. That is one thing I did not stand up for when I worked for CF. I used to work for her part-time, but ended up actually doing work for her while I was physically in my other job, as well as doing errands and tasks on my lunch hour and in between jobs, which I was never actually monetarily compensated for.

Sigh.

Amber came over for dinner and it was nice. Mostly we just sit around and talk. I feel somewhat bad for her as she always seems stuck and it's very difficult for her to make changes in her life. Sometimes we make deals to try to help each other out of stuck places. Amber asked me if I had heard from Frank and that started a long discussion about stuff she was not up to date on.

I also talked to Anna today on the phone. We have plans to meet on Wednesday. If you remember Anna is the friend of mine who was hanging out with Frank's ex, Psycho. We didn't talk about Psycho at all although she did ask about Frank... so I felt like I talked about Frank way too much today.

But both of them (Amber and Anna) told me that I seem to be in such a different place than I was a year and a half ago. Anna said that I seem so much stronger now. I know it has been helpful to go through everything I've gone through-- and maybe I couldn't have done that and grown as much if I was still with Frank. If I was still with him, I might have been so concerned with being the "right" person for him to love that I wouldn't have allowed myself to take the risks and feel the feelings that have helped me to grow.

It's important to remember that I am different than I used to be. It's important to remember that I'm not settling for things that don't feel good to me anymore. It's important to remember that I've started my own business so I DON'T need to work for or cater to anybody else. I make my own hours and decisions about what projects to take on. I do what I want when I want and I make the outlines about how I want to be treated in my business dealings. So there is no reason to get so upset.

I can tell this to my mind, I wish I could get it through to my stomach.

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