6 things [ 2005-08-09, 9:57 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Here's 6 things that bug me today:

1. )
Stress and tension. I can tell this primarily by the way I have been eating. Even though I don't necessarily have any feelings I can name clearly, I have unhealthy eating behaviors that rear their ugly heads...nothing you would call a binge, really, but... just not normal. Incredible cravings for sugar and junk. I just know it's not good for me-- my sleeping, my overall health and energy level, and now my teeth.

2.)
I had so many voicemails on my phone today that it couldn't hold any more. Louie called begging me to come in tomorrow and help out his new girl. He has gone out of town and apparently she needs help going to the post office?! or something ridiculously simple, because I'm sure he kept shifting gears and prevented whatever projects there were from being completed on deadline. I don't know, I didn't really listen to the message completely. What comes to mind with Louie and his dramas is, "Failure to prepare on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." or whatever that saying is.

Also Louie has a bunch of plans about us working together in some way, as well as he wants more money for referrals and whatnot. He hinted at it yesterday, kind of a "we have a lot to talk about in regard to business," attitude. Louie has a lot of connections, that is true. But he seems to think, in my mind, that his connections are worth paying a lot of money for. And I just don't think I want to involve myself with him on that deep level for a couple of reasons. For one, I think he is unrealistic about what his services are worth. He wants a huge percentage for referrals which is about double what other people want. And as I said he creates fantasy partnerships with people. It feels as though he wants to ride on other peoples' coat tails as far as business goes. All in all he is not organized or even balanced in his personality and that is not necessarily the kind of person I want to work with.

Then I realized again, that it is my old stuff kicking in. I don't owe Louie anything. There was no business arrangement or contract between us; just because he wants to work with me doesn't mean I have to. I can always say no. Remember how I told you about dating that guy that just basically said he liked me, he was the verbally abusive one-- and I thought just because he liked me I had to go out with him. I've been so used to people pushing me around, and pushing me into things, but that's not going to happen here-- I mean, I did not survive 3 years of CF so I could go and start my own business and be pushed around some more. Fuck that.

3.)
Doesn't look like I'm going anywhere this weekend. I really wanted to go away and take a breather but it's not happening. By the time I got around to looking at bus schedules and figuring everything out, it was too late. And anyway I guess I should spend the money on the dentist instead.

4.)
Spent a couple hours on the phone with my friend talking about my eating and how I have been doubting myself around my work and other areas of my life. He reassured me and said I should just take it easy, that intention is more important than results, and when I put my heart into something that is what is important. That helped to put some things into perspective for me, but at the end of the phone call he was asking me some pretty personal questions and I felt vulnerable in giving answers but then his response felt kind of judging and I was very hurt. I did tell him that and he apologized and said he could understand how what he said could be taken in a hurtful manner even though he did not intend it to be. Of course I knew that about him but it didn't stop it from hurting... so it felt like going out on a limb to admit that and talk about it. But we did, and now I feel kind of *embarrassed* that I reacted as I did. But otherwise, I reason, I would have closed up and swallowed my feelings (as well as some raw cookie dough and/or frosting from the can) and probably harbored some negative feelings toward my friend, so I guess it was the right thing to do.

I am always worried about being judged by other people and I judge myself worst of all. It's exhausting and I know that's what a lot of the bad eating is about. It's not my life, but it is a symptom that I am not in balance. I am working hard to figure out who I am and what is best for me, how I can make my own life the best space to be exactly as I am.

5.)
Still have not heard from Wisconsin. I had a dream about him, we were both in a bookstore of some kind. He was ignoring me. I had a bunch of stuff in my arms that weren't even books... stuff like fake flowers, a package of pencils that had a hole in it so there were pencils falling out all over the place, I took them to the register and then realized I didn't want to spend the money on anything, I dropped the packages and left them there. Wisconsin never acknowledged me. I can't remember if I told you before that several weeks ago I had a dream that I tried to kiss him and he wouldn't kiss me back. Well my dreams seem to know that Wisconsin is flakey too.

So long.
Duck

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