Dear Diary,

You are not going to believe what happened to me today, just now, you are just not going to believe it.

It all starts with last Saturday, and Jim taking me out to dinner. Well, he and Simon work together and are pretty close friends. If you remember Simon is my friend that is very flirtatious, and I was afraid to tell him when Frank and I broke up because I didn't want him to hit on me.

I mentioned to Simon that Jim and I had gone out to dinner, and he immediately suggested we go out for dinner later in the week. Which would be today. We were eating dinner, and Simon asked me about Wisconsin, and of course nothing is going on there, so I tell him so.

Then Simon starts talking all crazy, and says, what do you think about being my girlfriend? Again, this weird situation, kind of like what happened with the ex-- I have to explain in the nicest way possible, that you can't just suddenly decide you are going to be somebody's girlfriend, there has to be some feelings there first and it evolves from there.

Simon insisted that he had always expressed his feelings to me and that I had known all this time that he felt this way for me, but I had always been involved with somebody else. Now I had no excuse, so what was the problem? Obviously he thinks he knows me so well and thinks we are very similar and why shouldn't we be together.

I just repeat myself and Simon says, okay, just keep it in your mind. But it doesn't stop there. He's looking at me with stars in his eyes and then on the way out he tells the hostess and the waitress in the restaurant that I am his girlfriend and if I ever come in there on my own, they can put it on his tab.

Then we're driving and he's trying to hold my hand, and I'm like listen, this is ridiculous, I don't feel this way about you. He says, what's the big deal, I'm holding your hand, so how can I argue with that. Then he starts kissing my hand and my fingers and palms and I just freaked out and started crying, he says what's wrong, what's the big deal... and I say, this is just too much pressure, you tell me this tonight and I don't feel this way about you... he says okay, I am sorry, let's just chill out, I'll lay off.

And we go and he shows me some scrapbooks, and everything is cool until he lights a joint and says, let me take some pictures of you, no, tilt your head this way, do this, blah blah blah. At first I was playing around with him and then I was like, okay, I am over the picture thing. And he wants to give me a massage, I say really, that's okay, and he starts kneading my shoulders anyway, and tries to go up under my shirt, and I say, no, don't do that, and he says, why don't you just relax, and tries to unhook my bra with this whole massage thing, and I am thinking, you have got to be kidding.

Then I really flip out and start screaming, saying, why do I have to say things more than once, why don't you listen to me, you say you want to get closer to me but you don't even listen to me, and why would I want to be with anybody that didn't listen to me?! I am really upset now and he's upset that I'm upset and he apologizes and says, okay, you are right, I was just hoping I could change your mind, you're right, I was hoping that I could change it with the energy of a kiss and then you would just FEEL it...

And I say, no, that is not going to happen. Then he says okay, that's it then. But then five minutes later he's doing the same shit and I flip out 10 times as much and say, I am leaving NOW. NOW. NOW. And I'm going toward the door and of course he's flipped out too and grabbing me and saying, hold on, just stop, relax, and trying to sit me on the couch... and I scream, I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE TOUCHING ME AND I WANT TO GO HOME NOW. NOW MEANS NOW, NO TALKING. And I'm crying and upset and he just lets go, and I say, why do I have to repeat myself, and he mutters, because I am an asshole... I go out into the hallway but the door to outside is locked and I can't get out, it really is my worst nightmare because you need a KEY to get OUT.

I know Simon got it and on a very deep level I trust him, I just believe what he said about trying to change my mind and I believe that he really thought something magical would happen. But again, I had to get really upset before he would listen. And standing there realizing I couldn't open the door and get outside was a horrible feeling but I knew he would open the door. He came out and tried to look at me, but I was shaking and I said, just open the door please. He did and we got in the car and he drove me home. He said, "please look at me, Duck, I am an asshole. It's over, it will never happen again. I am so sorry." And he swore that as of the moment we walked out of the house it was different and he was going to give up all his fantasies of us being together.

Even though I got very upset I look at this whole thing as a test. A test of being true to myself and using my voice. Simon has tried stuff like this before, stuff like the massage, and I just blew it off and didn't say anything. But this time I said just how I felt and I didn't hide the fact that I was upset. Simon is kind of like the ex in that he does not understand emotional stuff that deeply. Tonight I felt I really protected myself and used my voice. I know, it could have been much worse, if it was with someone that really didn't listen. But as I said, I do believe Simon cares for me in his own way and honestly does not want to hurt me or cause me any pain. But I had to make it especially clear that his fantasy of converting me with a kiss or any sexual energy is not going to work. And he said he got it and he will never do such a thing again.

Well that was that.

[previous] [next]