Dear Diary,

Obviously I am not asleep.

It's okay. I have things to do tomorrow, so hopefully I'll get up when the alarm goes off. Knowing I didn't have any goals today, and feeling so bogged down by the need to sleep... it feels thick, the Dream World, and pulls me back in with such ease.

Crazy dreams... on a swing set with John Goodman (yes, the actor), something about babies and a train and... something something. Don't remember now.

I did go out today. To return a video. I walked. In the rain. It was rain madness. And I knew it was going to rain like that when I left the house, so I took my umbrella. But still. It was thunder and lightening and craziness. Just to go return a video. But it felt good to be outside, and it was good that it rained because it needed to, it really did. The air has been so heavy and thick the last couple of days that it was unbearable.

That's how I feel when I'm getting my period. That same unbearableness and I wish the damn would just break and I'd get it (rain) already. Anyway that's a very feminine metaphor but I think nature is like that. I'm not even getting my period anytime soon.

I also went to the grocery store while I was in town. It was really hard not to buy chocolate. But I did buy a couple of snacks without processed sugar. And then I am kind of stumped about what else to buy. It's like I get to the grocery store and I forget what I like to eat, what I need that is healthy or how to cook a meal. Which is just not true about me. I love food, all kinds of food, healthy food too, but it's like I lose my mind when I go to the grocery store. I guess I need to be an adult and make a list.

Then it was really raining and I needed one hand to hold the umbrella and the other for the grocery bag. It rained so hard that the bottom of my skirt got soaked and wrapped around my legs and it made it hard to walk. But I didn't mind, since I just thought about some woman in a third world country who would probably have to walk miles to feed her family without the luxury of a grocery store or an umbrella. So basically I was feeling pretty lucky today, that even though I don't really know where my next paycheck is coming from, I have a place to live and a lot of stuff that people in most parts of the world can only dream of.

That Simon thing is still bothering me. I didn't really go into much detail, but... at one point, he was just so not listening to me... and, it was like he was masturbating on me. I mean not literally. But he was trying to get into a position where he could imagine us being together, and at first I kind of thought it was funny, like maybe he just wanted to hold me and just take that picture in his mind before he gave up the idea forever. But then he started moving around and I was like, what the fuck?! And I said stop and I was trying to get away but he was saying no, just wait a minute... ugh... and it felt so gross and it was so obviously about him and nothing about me, but being used in that way... and that's why I flipped out. I know he hates to see me upset and that's why he stopped and called himself an asshole and took me home. But I don't think he gets the other part, that just because he has this attraction or fantasy doesn't mean that I do and that think was totally about HIM satisfying his needs and USING me. It is such an INSULT to my very SOUL that I can't help feeling deeply violated and DISGUSTED whenever I have a little flashback about it. Granted nothing truly bad happened and I know Simon cares about me but at the same time I am so freaked out about it, maybe because of past stuff and how scary that can be.

Ick.

Ick.

Ick.

And the other day I was thinking about those Dove ads and how I really like that they are not skinny freakass women on the billboards. And then I was tooling around in Diaryland and found links to some articles and stuff with men complaining about how they hate those billboards, that god forbid they don't want to see those kinds of women, they want to see the skinny freakass ones. Well I grant you skinny freakass women do exist, but they are not a good representation necessarily of the whole of the female population, and I was really happy to see some women with some thighs and butts and stomachs up there, which I can identify with. These men tried to make all these arguments like putting women like that would encourage obesity/bad health. Excuse me but size 10 is not obese, and being anorexic is the epitome of bad health, as well as mental health. What this culture has done to women and women's relationship to food is an outrage. Either we deny ourselves the pleasure or we try to stuff ourselves to death, either way believing we are never good enough.

Well it's just time that REAL women, fat and skinny and tall and short, are represented in advertising and we should let companies know that. Because it's up to us to reclaim our bodies as beautiful and redefine feminine beauty for ourselves, our daughters, and yes, our sons. Men in this culture are just brainwashed to think that airbrushed and thin is IT... there are plenty of men who don't buy into this, who like butts and stomachs and thighs, but far more men who a) believe in an unhealthy and undernourished feminine ideal and b) actually believe that they DESERVE to see that even when the product being advertised is not for them. How insane. How fucking insane.

The world is insane!

I think I have spent too much time in bed doing nothing. I have a pinching in my back. So, yoga. Tomorrow.

I think I'm ready to sleep.

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]