#2

Well Diary,

Ramel didn't come to stay with me. Apparently he found another place for himself and for Carina too. I guess that's for the best.

Yesterday he wanted to have dinner, it was nice but there is a weird energy around Ramel. I felt like he only wanted to get together because he felt bad or something about not sticking to our original agreement (him coming to my house). I don't know. I guess it's always been weird with him and always will be.

Today I tried a really new and different thing and that was, cleaning the house before it actually becomes truly and disturbingly disgusting. I vaccuumed and cleaned the bathroom and did the dishes and tidied up quite a bit.

I also went to the grocery store and tried my best to buy good food. Everything around food is so challenging for me. I will sit here and actually think about going to the kitchen and making something reasonably healthy to eat, but then it's like I forget and I eat the first sweet sugary thing I come across. I know it is an emotional reaction, probably having to do with all these changes I am going through (again). But I was doing so well earlier this year-- and feeling better too.

One thing I realize is that I am so angry. Hanging out at Kevin's, I saw a lot of old friends dropping by, a lot of them asked if I had seen or heard from Frank. I had to tell them the story of the last time I saw him-- and the letter, etc. and sometimes I just find myself thinking about him and being so angry about him being so lame. But it's not just about him, I feel angry at a lot of men. For letting me down in a lot of ways, Alphie and Wisconsin and whoever else. Maybe I am just angry at being alone, not being "met"-- not meeting anyone with the balls to just be straight with me. What the fuck.

But I have to get over it!

Later,
Duck

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