Hi Diary,

Alphie just left, and I miss him a lot. For ten days he turns my life and my house upside down, but when he's gone, I realize he is the man I trust most in my life, the only one I've been able to get reasonably close to, and I miss him.

Sometimes, I do feel really bad that somehow things worked out with him and Grace a certain way but not with me and him. But in other ways I can see why. When he talks about Grace, and her relationship with her ex-boyfriends, and how she carried every one of them financially while putting up with tons of cheating and crap... well it made me look and say, wow, she is really wounded, and maybe that's what Alphie wanted/needed, someone who was really wounded, not too empowered-- someone he felt like he could "help" along the way (that way too he could feel like the hero- a role he likes). In a lot of ways Grace is just doing the same thing with Alphie, only he is much nicer to her... it's just that he stated clearly to me that he was looking for someone he didn't have to take care of, and that's what he got, instead she really takes care of him-- everything from money to nightly rituals of massage and cooking and packing his food, etc.

I know I was getting frustrated with Alphie and waiting for him to do more for himself. Grace seems happy doing it for him. So they fit together better. And I am loved by both of them, which is a good feeling. But sometimes I just feel sad because I just so long for someone who is crazy about me. It's clear that Grace is #1 for Alphie. I don't know which number I am, I feel pretty important when Alphie makes space for me and lavishes me with attention, the fact that he came out to visit is big-- and I know it makes him happy that I love Grace and she loves me. But I know when it comes down to it she owns places in his heart that I can never touch. And I just wish I was somebody's #1, that's all...

You know.

I've said all this before, but it just comes up again and again. Longing that I have. At the same time I am blessed, I can't imagine where I would be without them.

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