Dear Diary,

I don't know what to say. I have a little work for the rest of the week, so that's all good. I am still a little uneasy and confused about the Alphie thing. It is fine until he leaves, and then he doesn't call, and I feel lonely and undervalued. It's weird because I feel his love for me when he is here, but kind of an out of sight, out of mind thing otherwise.

So thinking a lot about that and this weird situation I am in, that I never pictured myself here-- not much I can do now. And I realized that for a big part of my life I have been part of triangles. Thinking about my friend Nick, me not having a boyfriend, but hanging out with Nick and his girlfriend A LOT-- never getting romantic with him, but, almost like a family, the three of us inseparable. And then a few other boyfriends that were either overly attached to their mothers and one guy overly attached to his daughter in a not-healthy way... so I'm wondering, how does this happen? No doubt says something about the way I felt in the middle of everything all the time with my parents, so have I just re-created this over and over again? As with Nick and his girlfriend, and my friend Elena and her husband, and now Alphie and Grace on a deeper level, I often feel like the beloved child in these three-way relationships but never like the #1 partner. That doesn't really apply to the instances with the guys and their female family members, but to a degree in that I never felt the guy was turning to me for his #1 source of intimacy.

So what does that say about me? Does it say that I haven't really grown up yet? That I want to be cherished like a little girl rather than have a grown up relationship?

Does it say that I am avoiding intimacy by always making sure it's not pointing at me?

Some questions to ponder.

Last night I went on a date from the internet. To give the guy credit, he had several pictures posted and looked completely different in each one of them. It turned out he is the pudgier version of himself at this time-- so doesn't exactly count as false advertising. We had a really good time and interesting conversation, he has a good sense of humor. But I'm not really physically attracted to him at all. He actually pretty much admitted that he is an emotional eater and has been on a bender for several months (hmmm, sound like anyone WE know?).

This might be considered a bonding point by some but to me it just feels overwhelming, to see the thing I hate most in myself right there in another person. And immediately my mind says, if he's so caught up in food, how is he going to connect with me? And, I really would like a man that loves his body more.

But what about me? Am I not connecting? And this body thing, well it's gotten much better in the last few weeks and I'm looking and feeling better. But look at me not willing to cut another person some slack.

I guess what scares me IS to see the same problem in someone else, and that feels really scary. Because I can't control it in myself, it feels like, and then, well, once you see another person out of control, you know you can't control them... and then it's a really crazy situation.

At any rate I don't even know if that's the whole deal as far as what is keeping me attracted from this guy. It could just be minimal chemistry. And there is always the comparison to the presence and masculinity of Alphie anyway, this haphazard adonis that dropped into my life, somehow found ways to open me in ways I'd never been opened before, but then is off willy-nilly all over and loving someone else, but still me a little bit... with no clear boundaries or definitions... giving me probably 45% but at the same time giving me more than any man has in my life... his 45% being more than a lot of men's 100% (or those who think they're giving 100%) so yeah, why wouldn't I want something more? Why would I want to go backwards?

I have no answers for my life at this moment. I have no explanations. I only have questions, and the occasional feeling of real deep happiness, when the questions and the worries stop and I can just accept.

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