#2
Dear Diary,
Here I sit again. I have had a headache for quite a few days in a row and I feel real exhausted. So far it has not developed into anything that feels like a cold, but I am worried. Why do I feel this way? I've been eating fresh vegetables and fruits, making the extra effort. I've also been sleeping a bit more than normal, which of course is always good.
This morning Alphie called me. He is on the road for business and is on his way home. He said he will probably turn his phone off once he is with Grace because they have not seen each other in a while. The conversation was a bit disappointing. I feel I don't know where I stand with Alphie. He used to express so much love to me, and now I feel he refers to me more like a friend. Even after he was here for quite a few days. I feel like our connection is slipping. Grace on the other hand showers me with loving words and a desire to see me. Maybe Alphie is just tired from the road, but his good bye of "ciao" was disappointing.
I think I have to learn to let go of him... more so than I have. I have been able, for the most part, to accept what he and Grace have. I have been able to enjoy what part I can share with that. But there are still ways that I am being hurt, and that's no good. I don't know how to go into those areas where the residues of what I wish would happen live... and wash them away.
You know Diary I am the type of person that likes to believe everything happens for a reason. Alphie and I are not together because we are not supposed to be. We don't match up. I can't even have good sex with him because he is not emotionally open enough for me. He and Grace are a better match, better emotionally suited, better matched to take care of each other. It's only my ego that starts to feel sad, left out, like something should have been different. Sometimes I think I shouldn't have had sex with Alphie as soon as I did, but then I say, I just wouldn't have known how bad it could be. I would have just imagined it to be better than it was.
So, Grace and Alphie are together for a reason. I am in the situation I am in, for a reason. Maybe this situation is teaching me to let go, because it's preparing me for something else in the future. I know I am a lot more laid back and less jealous than I used to be as a result of this lesson- like I said, my ideas about love have expanded.
Hmm. I've been reading this kind of thing in other people's diaries lately, so I will try it here:
10 years ago
I was in a miserable job which I lost anyway because my boss grabbed my ass and was afraid I would report him after I had the nerve to get upset about it. He tried to justify what he did, but when he couldn't, I was conveniently shuffled to another department, and taken from the position I loved. I was in a lame relationship with a guy who was so over involved with his mother, it was ridiculous. We actually broke up and got back together. We would be breaking up again in a few months.
5 years ago
I first moved to this town. I lived in a pit of an apartment with another girl and a guy and had another lame job. I was busy and soaking up a lot of my new life, trying different things.
1 year ago
I was in my apartment for a whole year. I was starting to shake off a lot of the pain of my last relationship. I had quit working for BossMan and was working for Talia full time. It was the best job I'd had thus far...
1 month ago
I was worried about making it on my own.
Yesterday
I tried to eat better than I have been.
1 hour ago
I went to the bank and the post office. I finished a bunch of calls and ate something for lunch.
I feel a little better.
Love,
Duck
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