lost my patience [ 2005-11-10, 12:38 p.m. ]

#2

Dear Diary,

Here's a little update, sooner than later.

Right when I was talking to Angel on the phone last night, Alphie called. I was busy so I didn't pick up, but he left a message. Even though the message was nice and all about hello, how are you doing, blah blah, I still felt angry about everything that had been pointed out in our conversation, so I didn't call him back.

I'm not saying Alphie's evil or that he sits around plotting how to use people for his own good, but that he's often thoughtless because he really just DOES follow what's best for him, but uses people in the process. Russell kind of explained it as just accepting that as who Alphie is. But it really helped me to talk about it and be validated in my experience with everything. You've seen me here, Diary, wondering why I feel this way, questioning it, questioning myself, waiting for some response from him... well it's not my imagination, the way he's been treating me. That's been validated. And it doesn't feel good. And a few entries back I was seriously thinking about pulling away from Alphie and Grace and maybe that's what needs to be done. Because I keep leaving myself open and vulnerable and it keeps hurting, that's the truth. I try to be all cool about it and say, I shouldn't feel this way, but that doesn't make it seem any better. When they are with me they are really loving me, that's what it feels like, but when they are gone they are really GONE.

And still no word from CB. When I returned on Tuesday I both wrote him and email, and called him on the phone. I wanted to call him after he had that big emotional release with me. But as of today he still hasn't returned my email or sent the picture files he said he would send. So I'm waiting to see exactly when I will cross his mind. In any case it is an interesting test, and I'm glad I didn't sleep with him, because maybe the same thing would have happened.

Maybe you think I'm making everything so complicated, Diary, but if I've learned anything I've learned that I want to be valued, as a lover and as a friend, and that I don't feel good when I feel used. And that's just my reality. I know there's some women that can just sleep with a guy and keep it casual and never talk to him again. Well I feel that my heart is too involved... and that's what makes me a good person in the first place... that my heart is involved in most everything I do, but especially relationships.

Anwyay. A deep breath.

I got a message from Dolan. He informed me that he and a friend went over to Louie's house as a kind of "intervention", to confront Louie on some of his behaviors, that he can't be trusted. Apparently Louie was telling people information he'd been told in confidence. I'm not sure the whole deal-- whether the information was about Dolan or the friend-- or what the info was. But at any rate, Dolan later emailed me and said that when confronted with the subject, Louie, of course denied it, and when pressed, said he didn't remember, and maybe has a mental problem. Dolan basically said in the email that he will just never trust Louie again.

Yeah, welcome to the club-- another thing that isn't my imagination. Louie has been trying to pin me down to meet with him and I have the feeling that he wants to try and set up another joint presentation with me. We are going to be in the same office building tonight and I guess that will be my chance to tell him I never want to do another presentation with him again. I am going to say that he and I have done two presentations together, the first I didn't quite felt like our work fit together and the second it was really clear that that feeling was still there for me. Plus with the new training I just took, I want to take my work in a different direction altogether that seems really unrelated to Louie's stuff. All that is true, and of course there's the fact that Louie sucks to work with, lies, interrupts, and is unprofessional in general-- but I guess I don't have to bring that up.

Dolan also suggested we met for coffee. I just agreed, okay, we can sit down next week. Might as well just be honest with everybody all at the same time. He's been dancing around me for a while, but I guess the least I can do is sit down with him and if he's direct enough about it just tell him, yeah I am not interested.

I am really reluctant to spend time with anyone when I don't really want to-- I view it as a waste of my time and energy... I really do. For instance, Louie wanted to sit down for an hour or so and the thought of that was like pure torture. Forget about it. Sitting with Dolan doesn't sound like a treat either but maybe I will just say, I think you talk about yourself a lot. Hmm. How would that be.

I'm just pissed today and you know I normally don't act like that, but I guess I've really lost my patience at this point.

Duck

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