Hi Diary,

Well, here I am again. Just thought I would add to my entry of yesterday.

CuteBoy, as I mentioned, wanted to sleep together. He kind of made it a spiritual subject. Like our time together would be magical and important and spiritually connecting, and then I would touch him so deeply and afterward he would think of me whenever he was with another woman blah blah blah...

Yeah that's what my head was saying when he was regurgitating that spiritualspeak, it was saying blah blah blah. Big fucking deal. And I said...

"Listen, I appreciate all that spiritual stuff, definitely, but the human part of me doesn't want to sleep with a guy unless he's crazy about me. I don't want to sleep with a guy unless he calls me the next day. Unless he wants to stay connected with me, through phone calls and emails. Unless I'm important to him. And I deserve that."

Yes, I really said that, Diary! Even though CB is incredibly HOT, that's what I said. Because I just can't take it anymore. I just can't take what happened with Alphie to happen again.

And today I talked to Angel about it. Because of course I'm still thinking about him. Angel said, has he called you since you've been back? No, I said, I called him when I returned... Well, she said, see what he does. See if he reaches out to you. Don't expend your energy on this one.

She's got a point.

Because really, if CB was so very conscious, sleeping with me wouldn't be so very important. Connecting with me would be. Granted he's young and horny, but big deal. I need more than that.

I deserve more than that.

So, I'm not calling him. Or emailing. I'm waiting to see. Maybe I'll get excited again. But I hope this entry helps me remember.

It's also made me think about the situation with Alphie. About how he comes in and out of my life. Talked to Russell today, he's been friends with Alphie for many years, and Russell pointed out that, Alphie really doesn't show up until he needs something... whether it be to feel good about himself or whatever... it struck me, yeah... even Russell said, he's treated me like that too. It makes sense. I don't think Alphie is so much about love. I think he likes the effect he has on people, that they tell him he is loving-- but really he doesn't care so much about connection as how he looks doing it... he walks away feeling good about himself. It just dawned on me that's probably what it's all about.

Does he really care about me, yeah, to a degree, I'm sure. But even Russell has said, Alphie is not around until he needs something. I said, is that why he's with Grace? Oh absolutely, Russell said.

It all makes sense. Really, Alphie is just out to serve himself in all these ways. He told me when he first met me that he wanted a woman who was financially stable. And he waited till he found one. He told me he didn't fall in love with me because I needed to be taken care of, but that Grace didn't need to be taken care of. No, instead, Grace has maxed out her credit cards taking care of Alphie.

Maybe it seems like an exaggeration, but after talking to Russell Alphie's motivations seem painfully clear. And validated the way I have been feeling for a long time-- that it's not just me being sensitive and needy and feeling bad for no reason because Alphie disappears-- he really does disappear. He smothers me with love when he needs to be here, needs a place to stay and someone to give him business contacts. But when I'm not serving him, it's rare that he'll give me a call.

Alphie told me we shouldn't have sex because I have too many abandonment issues. But maybe Alphie has emotional issues, or rather, emotional detachment issues. He just wants to sleep with whoever and move on... another aspect of what he needs... because even when he told me I had abandonment issues that one time, three months later he was trying to sleep with me because he and Grace were fooling around, I was there, and he said, do we have a condom? Meaning he was just gonna roll over and fuck me-- what happened to my *abandonment issues*, what happened to caring so much for me... no, Alphie had a hard-on and two girls and that's what he wanted... I wasn't even into it, or excited, and didn't get involved. It was boring being there, watching them, and having everything be about Alphie. Three ways can actually be pretty boring, to tell you the truth.

Alphie has made himself into this perfect gorgeous superman, with the body and the looks, and the polyamory (but only with girls)-- so everything can be about him. He doesn't even like or know how to eat pussy- it bewilders me how he could have ever been in a relationship with more than one woman at once.

And no, I haven't slept with Alphie since last New Year's. And I won't ever sleep with him again, I'm pretty clear about that.

And if the crap is the same with CB, I won't sleep with him either.

I'm angry, and I'm tired. I'm sick of being second best, of falling back but still hanging around. Everything Angel and Russell said has given me new validation for the way things have been. I've been once again, accepting crumbs.

I'm lonely, but big fucking deal. I'm sick of being used, no matter how hot somebody is.

I mean it, Diary, I need to hang out with people who are crazy about me.

So please remind me.

Love,
Duck

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