Hi Diary,

After much thinking, I've decided I hate my brain. I get myself into these circles of thought, of this should or shouldn't happen, this person should act like this, etc.

I'm tired of the rules. I realize the rules are what make me so miserable. However everytime I let go of the rules, I eventually go back to them and then I regret what I did when I let go of the rules.

Perfect example: haven't heard from CB. Get angry about it. Imagine all kinds of scenarios about why he isn't contacting me back. Feel disrespected and sad about it. The rules are, he should call me or email me, and I'm not going to do anything until he does. Then, I start thinking that I don't know anything. And there are no rules. The guy just met me, so, he doesn't email me back, big deal. I haven't heard from him in five days or so, so what's the big deal about giving him a call and checking in? Yeah. So then I call him, and I'm trying to be casual and breezy (a phrase I borrowed from "Friends") but instead I feel terribly exposed and it is obvious that I like him, and that I'm worried about what he thinks... so basically I have exposed my underbelly... and he is cordial on the phone... the whole thing is a little awkward... and I hang up feeling like I've just made a fool of myself and I wish I waited longer to call, I wish I wish a lot of things had been different.

But, truthfully, I don't know. I tend to project stuff on people, that they are better than they are, that they are more heartfelt than they really are... CB, in every sentence, has mentioned that we need to sleep together, or do I regret not sleeping together, or stating that we didn't sleep together. So he's still kind of hung up on the sleeping together thing. Feels like a lot of pressure for me. I haven't felt this way since high school, in a way it's taking me back to that time...

At any rate, he can do whatever he wants. If he doesn't like me, I can't make him like me by creating a false self. I can only be myself, that's what I want someone to like me for anyway.

I don't know why he didn't respond to my emails. I don't know what he thinks about me. I got the feeling he was trying to be gentle with me during today's conversation, that he knows I felt insecure. Well there's only one thing about someone knowing you are insecure... it makes them feel more secure. And if they're not a really really nice person, they kind of enjoy you in that position, because it makes them feel good. So they will use that to their advantage.

Great.

Yes, I'm regretting it. First I said I wasn'nt going to do something like this, then I got all soft and talked myself into it, and now, yes, I'm regretting it.

Sadly,
Duck

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