Hi Diary,

Just in case you were wondering, I'm still alive.

Just in case you were wondering, I had no choice but to see Alphie again. He made a couple snide remarks about me disappearing-- and here's the kicker-- he and Grace basically feel I'M the one with the poor communication, i.e., I disappeared... not them! Interesting. I tried to tell Alphie how I was feeling, and as usual, he went into super-protection mode-- protection for himself- where he refused to talk about feelings, or admit anything about himself. So for about four days I listened to how perfect Alphie is because all he can do is defend his position and make everything everyone else's fault. (i.e. my fault) He doesn't want to be connected to anything that makes him look less than perfect-- he has to be the hero in every situation... ugh.

Just in case you were wondering, we finally talked about the details- and - I don't know- he told me I was important to him, and to Grace, and that we would work something out so our communication would be better, etc. But I seriously doubt it. On one level I could see that it's just not his personality, and he is afraid of being less than perfect, so that's all he can do. And there's a lot of parts of him that are very nice.

On the other hand, he is limited limited limited. And even though we made up on some level, I find myself having a boundary still. Example: the last night of the training, he was kind of hinting that I would sleep in his bed with him. That's all, just hinting. Forget it. I didn't spend one night with him. Not ONE NIGHT, Diary! As opposed to last year when I spent almost every night with him.

Just in case you were wondering, Grace emailed me today and blah blah blah, she is all very nice and lovely but when she talks about Alphie I just hate him more. I thought I had come to some kind of conclusion with all this but obviously not. Everybody thinks Alphie is so great, so it's hard to be the only one who feels so deeply hurt and screwed over by him.

I don't know what's next. If we can be friends and I can pull back the deep emotional feeling I was trying to interact with him- yeah I don't care if that's even a sentence, you know what I mean.

I don't know. I just feel like I deserve better, I deserve to be met and treated with a lot more respect. I deserve somebody who's a little more conscious of his energy and willing to look at his part in the relationship.

Whatever. I can't even think about it anymore.

On the plus side, I've spent a lot of time talking to Byron on the phone. I really like our connection. He says he will come to visit me after the holidays.

I hope so.

Wouldn't it be nice if I just got a new boyfriend who loved me? Hmm..

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