some bitching, and a reclaimed sister [ 2006-01-08, 3:07 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Well guess what, I am catching a cold. I was originally supposed to go to Molly's today, but I started sneezing and feeling like I was coming down with something last night.

Sure enough, woke up today with more sneezing and not feeling so good. So I didn't go to Molly's. I can't count how many times I've gotten sick when I was supposed to go to her house. She was disappointed, of course. But as usual her disappointment comes out as ME disappointing HER- failing to do what she wants. Criticizing me for letting her down. I probably wouldn't go there at all if it wasn't for beautiful seven year old Erin. She's the one I really want to see.

Earlier this afternoon, Byron called. Said he was really sick, some kind of infection that went into his kidneys. Hmm. Doesn't much explain why he dropped off the face of the earth two weeks before he got sick, but okay. He expressed concern for my cold and said, "Well I hope next time I talk to you you'll be feeling better." So I don't know if he's just saying that or if we will talk again. I just feel awkward, I don't feel like I trust that he really likes me anymore. He did, after all, disappear. The energy of our phone calls seems to have changed. There was no mention of him coming to visit, like before. Maybe he just got scared and felt like he had to take a step back, I don't know. So I'm just going to hang and see.

Had to let Louie down. Apparently he's been going around town telling people that we would be working together. Au contraire, my little friend. He asked me if I was available for this or that day. I said no. He asked me if I wanted to do something in April or May. I said no, I was rethinking my position and how I wanted to work, and I didn't want to collaborate with him anymore. He went into a whole thing about, "Well, I thought it was still open for discussion." That's only because Louie never listens. I told him 3 months ago I didn't want to do another presentation with him (after the last disaster). Remember, I told you, Diary, he kind of scrunched up his face and looked concerned, and said, well maybe we can talk about it over lunch. He just thinks he can talk anybody into anything.

I just told him I didn't want to do it. I think he's having a hard time with that, because now I feel like he's yanking my chain. He owes me money and he took expenses out that we agreed were not to be taken out. He did that last time- and I brought it up, said, why did you take this out when we discussed it and you said you weren't going to do it? He pleaded forgetfulness, and I just let it go- never recuped that money, something like $17, either- just decided to let it go.

Well here he is doing it again. And this time I'm not letting it slide. But you can bet I just want to cut him out of my life completely. He is such an ass. Such a fucking asshole. He gives me a headache from miles away, makes everything soooo much more complicated than it has to be.

More trouble than he's worth.

So I called another colleague and already have started making plans for February. Tomorrow I'll drop off Louie's keys (he insisted that I keep them- now I see because he doesn't want to be separated from anybody-). But I feel like I should just cut him out of my life completely. Yes he's brought me some contacts but he's also been compensated for that. And if he doesn't send me the money he owes me, well, so be it. I will just lose some money. And you can bet I will bad mouth him to every one I know. And he can try and bad mouth me if he wants to, but I think people will figure it out for themselves. Just let them deal with him and they will find out what a nut he is. What a controlling freak he is, who will lie, and lie some more, and be undependable and not listen and then claim not to "remember".

Hmm, what else can I bitch about now? How about not being able to sleep. I try and try, but forget it, and then it's impossible to wake up, I feel terrible all day, and spend days and days inside by myself, I think something is horribly wrong with me.

Okay, now on to something positive. I called Beverly today. We haven't spoken in over two years, for no good reason... the last time she was here to visit, Frank and I took her out on the town. Then I knew she was hanging out with Anna and Psycho (Frank's ex), but that's not why I stopped talking to her... I just got so... busy... then, with all the changing of my jobs, concentrating on my business, back and forth with Alphie, etc. etc.

I got the feeling when she was here, that she didn't have much faith in my relationship with Frank. She asked where our relationship was going, if we were going to live together. I don't think she did it to be mean, not at all, that's not Bev. I think she was worried about me. I think she could see that Frank was not as into the relationship as I was. But it made me uncomfortable. It made me face questions about my relationship that I really didn't want to face. It made me sad. And after our breakup, you know, I was just embarrassed. First the separation for a month and a half, where I didn't want to talk to anyone- because I just wanted to wait and see. I was hoping we could just be separated and then get back together and then no one would know. But Diary, you know that didn't happen. Then dealing with all that and the healing after the official breakup, well, I didn't really want to talk to anybody that was hanging out with Psycho, I guess. So we lost a whole year that way. Then 2005, I don't know, it just whizzed by, until so much time went by it felt weird to reach out. But today was just the day.

Anyway, I guess Bev's life got busy too. She has 5 kids, hates her job, and has had quite a few hard times. She also has a tendency toward depression. I had sent her a few cards over the past couple years and some emails but she never responded.

The nice thing about our conversation was, it just felt like we could pick up where we left off. A couple of times I felt like Bev wanted to explain or make an excuse or reason as to why she didn't contact me, but it really wasn't necessary. There are no hard feelings.

So that felt good. Beverly has been like a sister to me, and I'm glad to have her back.

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