Hi Diary,

Well what can I say I am probably a big disappointment to everyone. I haven't heard from Molly nor have I called her. I suppose I could feel bad about that since she is pregnant and I didn't even send her a gift or anything, but I am broke and embarrassed about it. Mostly I feel bad for Erin, her seven year old, who was probably looking forward to seeing me but I just can't do it. Elaine is in the hospital and I am just bummed about that.

I haven't seen Elaine in about 3 years, but that just makes everything worse since now she's in a coma of some sort and there is an incredible possibility that she may never wake up.

And people keep calling me, all kinds of people, business people and friends and everybody, and they just want to talk or find out about business or maybe they just want to shoot the shit, but every day I find myself friggin' exhausted, and I'm not sure if it's the Elaine thing, or the depression thing, or the combination of both of them. But it just irritates and exhausts me more and I feel I am just more and more behind on life.

I've been bursting into tears at odd moments, more and more often. Yesterday in the middle of brushing my teeth, I just started sobbing. Now that, people, seems like a very odd thing to me, I don't know about you. I'm able to look at everything with a sense of humor of sorts and a wonderment, why is this happening? Mostly I just trust that something is just moving along and I will be fine. But in the interim, it's not so much fun and it's confusing, because I can't figure it out.

This weekend I'm going to my friend Gail's house, and she's the kind of Gail/gal you can talk to about things such as this, so I think that will be a great help. And next week I'm going to see Elaine/in a coma. I've never visited anyone in a coma before, seen it on TV, but never actually done it. I can't do it until next week because the hospital is two hours away, and there are so many people who want to see Elaine that I have to schedule an appointment with her boyfriend before I can go.

In other news, Byron called and left a message today. All breezy and friendly and wondering how I am. Unexpected. I thought he was gone forever. I guess not. Called him back but his phone was off and went straight to voice mail. Now that I've discovered I can listen to the message I just left, and erase it and do it again, sometimes I just erase my messages and don't leave them. Because I really don't like the way my voice sounds.

Hmm.

Major cleaning in the apartment today. My place looked ransacked. But B is coming over tomorrow to help me with the computer. I'm supposed to make him lunch. There's nothing like inviting someone over to make you clean up your place.

Talk to you tomorrow.

Love,
Duck

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