Dear Diary,

Well, Elaine passed away, so I've not been feeling much like doing anything. I did go to see her in the hospital. As I said, I never visited anyone in a coma before. She was hooked up to all kinds of things, of course, a breathing tube of some kind, and a tube coming from a hanging bag that looked like it was filled with tannish milk (I know it probably wasn't really milk).

Anyway the whole thing was rather surreal because I took a bus, and a taxi, and arrived at the hospital, and just kept asking questions about where to go. The hospital seemed strangely empty and nobody really wanted to talk to me- I could have wandered anywhere, it seems- I had to interrupt and ask people to help me with directions. And next thing you know I'm in the ICU and walk around the corner and there she is, machines all breathing her and things dripping and beeping and whatnot. Apparently, since I breezed in, I skipped about 5 other people in the waiting room who were waiting for the go-ahead to see her.

But I talked to her, and I thanked her for being my friend, and always being supportive of me, and I touched her arms and her hair, and I told her that I knew she was on her way to an exciting journey and that I was happy for her if it was her choice to go, and that I was open to still communicating with her- basically like, hey come and visit me anytime... I refused to say good-bye. It just didn't feel right, if I can believe she's in the world as spirit, why I should say good-bye to her.

Her eyes were slightly open, but unfocused and unfollowing, and every now and then the breathing machine would force a whole bunch of air in her, and her whole body would move and shift as if she was waking up and adjusting herself on the pillows, but that was not the case. I later learned that she could breathe on her own, but still needed the machine, which was why her body was moving like that. It was a very weird experience.

I only spent a few minutes with her, because that's what they allowed. Back in the waiting room, I learned that visitors actually make her tired. All the other visitors had been required to sign in, get a name sticker, and wait for their turn. I don't know how I just managed to wander in and get there, no problem.

It was comforting to be in the waiting room with others that know Elaine, for a while. Then it was time to go.

She is such a good person.

[previous] [next]