Dear Diary,

Here I am, I know, updating again, just when I did so a few hours ago. See, I promised I'd be better.

Well I felt compelled to update anyway. Wisconsin just left. I thought he was coming over, to you know, come over. To make a long story short (and it is a long story since he was here about 10 hours), we talked, we lay down, and at some point, we started kissing. And. Didn't stop. A whole lot of kissing going on. Then, he said he had to go home, but then we kissed for another 2 hours.

I know, maybe you are saying, Duck, what are you doing? Why are you kissing Wisconsin after he disappeared on you? Didn't you make some angry accusations about him and condemn him to death or something? Yes, I know, I know, Diary. But I told you we had that conversation, which turned into a fight because we weren't really listening to each other, then we had a clarification, then Wisconsin sincerely apologized.

What am I going to do, anyway. I feel a little *tentative*- like I don't really know where this is going, or what it means, or that Wisconsin could very well disappear again. So- I don't exactly trust him. But he's cute, for a white boy, and I needed to be kissed. Real bad.

As soon as he came over, Wis took great interest in my apartment, all my photographs, furniture, etc. I realized at some point, while he was kissing me, how much that meant. For some reason I had a flashback of Frank- he used to come into my apartment and say, "I don't know how you can live with all this clutter. There is way too much stuff in this apartment for me." I always felt like he was judging me. It was really nice for someone to come over and be so interested in everything and see my sense of design as an expression of myself. That hit me mid-kiss and I actually had tears in my eyes.

I know, I shouldn't be thinking about Frank at all. I don't know why it is so hard to stop thinking about him. Well, I sort of know. He was the love of my life, so far. I really, really adored that guy. It defies description.

Speaking of Frank, I just finished reading "The
Devil Wears Prada". I hear they are making into a movie. The character Miranda Priestly reminded me of CF, and of course the main character myself, running around trying to please her. Also, if you've ever read "The Nanny Diaries" the infamous Mrs. X reminds me of CF too... just think of the most unreasonable person to work for, and there you go.

But reading what happens, and how the main girl's relationship with her boyfriend starts to fall apart, because, she's always exhausted, interrupted, depressed and scrambling, doesn't have a second that she's not working or being pyschologically bullied even in her off time... well that was me, too. I was wondering how my being so exhausted, and stressed out from being verbally and emotionally abused on a regular basis affected my relationship with Frank. I remember one time I was too exhausted to plan anything for his birthday, because it was the busiest week of the year at CF's office.

I was feeling bad about that, and thinking maybe things were hard because on some level I was also unavailable. Even though I quit 6 months before we separated, but it didn't change anything. And maybe it wouldn't have worked anyway. But maybe I was a drag.

Oh well. Frank still criticized my apartment, my lack of career, what he perceived to be my poor boundaries because other men might be attracted to me, and an endless list of other stuff. Maybe, it just doesn't matter.

I don't know what's going on with Wis, but... it was nice tonight.

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]