Dear Diary,

Okay, I am freaking out, and I am a little surprised at myself.

This whole thing with Wis is throwing me for a loop. I still feel like I am fifteen years old when it comes to guys. I feel like I don't know what is going on, I don't know what it MEANS. I know rationally, that I should just go with the flow and enjoy the moments as they come. But, I think I'm feeling my own fears: I am wondering if he really does like me, and if so how much, and does that mean he is just fooling around with me like he fools around with a bunch of other women, or am I special- that one always comes up- can I trust him, is there something I did or said yesterday that may have turned him off, will he really show up over the weekend or will he disappear again? That's a lot of stuff.

Because I am one of those sensitive types, who opens her heart right away, it's so easy for me to get hurt. I always think there is some way to control it, but there doesn't seem to be.

I can see how much having somebody who likes me changes the rhythm of my life. Yesterday I was getting ready to go out and meet Wis, and suddenly I'm looking in the mirror and saying to myself, you can't wear that. And I had to go put on a different shirt and pair of pants. And then, ugh, the conversation, why was I talking about Alphie? How did we get on that subject? It's such a many layered subject that only somebody whose been reading my diary could understand the evolution of my relationship with him, and all the many things that have pissed me off about him. But there I was talking to Wis yesterday, who doesn't know anything, and probably thinks I am a big complainer because we also talked about Louie, whom Wis knows, and how can you not complain about Louie?

Yesterday I just got to the point, after meeting with Wis, where I didn't really want to be around anybody, and I felt really exhausted and just needed to come home. Maybe the pressure of worrying about what was going on was too much for me. Or maybe I am just overreacting. That is very, very possible.

I see how safe my life has been, and even though I have had longing to connect with somebody, sometimes I would just have the realization how easy it is NOT to be in relationship. Never worrying about what someone else thinks or anything like that.

Also, I had this little realization of sorts. When you have no lover, the possibilities for your lover are endless- meaning you can fantasize about a guy with great hair who speaks French and knows the tango and loves to travel and is a master of martial arts and tans easily. But then- you meet somebody, and he's human, and limited- and sure maybe he has the great hair, but he's not interested in travel or dance and gets a sunburn after two minutes. But somehow you've already fallen in love with him and now, you're dealing with it... all those things you wanted, physically mentally and emotionally, and all those things you didn't get in a mate- and, well, you're in love so you connect with this person, and maybe you're giving up parts of your life. Like going to the movies when you would have wanted to go dancing, or staying home rather than going on vacation to an exotic location, because remember he doesn't like to travel and can't be in the sun anyway.

So it's a gamble. All those examples are about doing and physical stuff, but there's the whole emotional and intellectual puzzle too. And sure partners can introduce you to a lot of new things, but they can also change your lives because of their dislikes.

So with that all in mind I feel a little squeezed about what is going on. I like being with Wis but there is a lot I just don't know about him. Most of it is programming, I guess- realistically I don't have to decide anything or commit to anything, nothing has to mean anything... I am just messed up!

Enough of that. I did a lot of filing of paperwork, and I still have a lot more to do. It's not appealing or fun at all, the only appealing part is thinking about how nice it will be when it is all finished. I'm trying to get organized for this year too- sure I save every paper and receipt, I just don't have good habits about organizing. But yesterday I bought folders and... yes it's changing my life, people!!!

Now if only I had folders for my love life...

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