Dear Diary,

Sorry for being so lame. I really didn't know what to write, these last few days.

I got pretty sick. It's been dragging and dragging, but I'm finally starting to feel better. Apparently Aleda got it too and I haven't heard from her all week.

Saw Emily today. We met for coffee and the whole time, she talked about Hal. Again. I am so sick of talking about Hal, but Emily is an awesome friend and I want to be there for her. The whole time, every other sentence, practically, she'll say, "Well, it really doesn't bother me..." Yeah, right. That's why we talk about it everyday. Who does she think she's kidding?

And, saw Wis over the weekend. It was a really NIcE weekend... we spent time together, went to the movies, fooled around a bit. But no, all my friends ask me... and no, we did not have sex. I don't get it. I've seen the guy three times and I'm amazed that people are that casual about sex. I always thought the movies, or sex in the city was like that... after three dates, it's normal to have sex... I've never been like that. Don't you want to be kind of picky about who you have sex with?

I do.

Especially after the whole Alphie fiasco... I really thought I could have casual, unattached sex, Diary. But, I am learning that I will never be able to do that. I am just too sensitive. People have been telling me for years that I need to be less sensitive to be a better person, but I kind of like my sensitivity. It enables me to feel so much in my life- why would I want to feel less?

Alphie once told me that I had abandonment issues and that's why we shouldn't have sex. He promptly forgot about that a few weeks later when he was horny and looking for a condom. He was basically sending me the message that I should be able to have sex and not care that he got up and walked away, never called me, much less never shared any feelings or a part of his heart.

Hmm. Is it me with the issues? Fucking him was like fucking... I dunno... a brick wall. Nothing there.

With Wis, it's already different. He admits he has feelings. I like that. He's okay with my feelings. I like that. He's not wrapped up in being perfect, like Alphie, who things he is the model of perfection for the whole universe. Wis isn't a big victim who uses his wounds to describe himself, like Frank. I like that too.

First, we went bowling. Which is what they do in Wisconsin a lot, I suppose. I am a terrible bowler. We got into a discussion about how you can tell a lot about a person by the way they bowl- how they react to winning or losing, how they treat their opponent in the game.

Wis said, "What can you tell about me?

And without thinking about it I said, "That you're a good sport."

That made him smile, and he has a truly radiant smile.

We went to the movies, and kissed a lot, and fell asleep all entangled together. That was nice.

I found some poetry that Frank wrote me during our time together. He used to write a lot of poetry. Some of it was so amazingly beautiful. After reading it, I thought about calling him. I thought just about leaving a message, telling him I found the poems, and just thanking him for his beautiful words. Maybe I would even make it extra clear, the reason we haven't spoken is because you keep writing me letters, even after I've asked you to stop writing me letters. But then, I will think about his indifferent cruelty, leaving a box of my things and running away, in that box a gift I made especially for him, something he could have kept or thrown away but didn't have to throw back at me.

Indifferent cruelty.

Something has to be settled though. Do you know I am no longer friends with any of my ex boyfriends? What does that tell you?

I still have so much anger at Frank, at Alphie... people who started out so beautiful to me, opened me in such an amazing way- but became disappointing, because they couldn't go any further with me, and they made mistakes.

Why am I so mean, so critical, in that way? Why can't I forgive? How do I expect to get close to anyone new with all this crap hanging over me?

I realize what a big part of me this is, this part that can't let go, that is so angry at being let down, so angry that somebody else can't do it right. Why does it hurt so much?

What do you think I should do? Make peace? Call Frank? Discuss with Alphie as far as it can go? Or turn it over to the Universe.

Hello- is this thing on????

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