#2

Dear Diary,

Here I am again. Didn't sleep well at all. I must have fallen asleep by 1am, but then woke up at 3am and was up well past dawn. Part of it was minor cramps.

And part of it may be major irritation. Although, yes, as I told you, I cleared my cell phone of W's numbers (he doesn't even deserve three letters anymore, as far as I'm concerned) I am deeply hurt by what has happened.

But even more than that, I realized, even though I am angry at him for treating me so shoddily, I am angrier at MYSELF. How could I fall for this AGAIN? Why did I let it go so far? Why didn't I realize what was happening WEEKS ago, when he seemed to be doing nothing, yet still was too "busy" to see me? Why did I leave that last fateful message, where I still sounded happy, and wanting to see him, even though he'd been avoiding me for weeks already? Why didn't I see the signs and save my dignity earlier?

That's my real problem. Just judging myself around that.

It's a good thing I erased those numbers, because after tossing and turning not being able to sleep, and having no choice but to think, I became pretty enraged, and had the urge to call W at about 6:30am, when he is catchable, and... not even say anything- just confirm that he is capable of answering/using his phone, so I could be even angrier. Great plan, Duck!

But, even though I thought I remember his number (I certainly remember the numbers in his number, just not the order they go in), I guess I don't, cause the guy that answered didn't sound like him. And I heard his morning alarm going off in the background, so I guess I just helped some poor shmo get up for work. Silently.

So, what it all boils down to, is that I have to forgive MYSELF. I have to forgive myself for getting excited about yet another guy. I have to forgive myself for trusting him, for being excited about him, for giving him chance after chance. I have to forgive myself for believing I am likeable- yeah, for liking myself enough to believe I am likeable- because I am, dammit. Maybe there are some things about me W doesn't like, but that doesn't mean I'm unlikeable. It just means we are not compatible. Just like I thought he interrupted a little too much (honestly- how long could one live with that?) and was too secretive to share anything personal (and that?).

In the grand scope of things, it could have been worse. It could have gone further, like it did with Alphie. We could have gotten more involved, more physically involved, and for me that would have affected my heart. I could have fallen in love with him, and then he could have faded away. Well, so glad that didn't happen.

I could look at it this way: the Universe has heard my desire. And my desire is for somebody to love and respect me. The Universe saw what was happening way before I did, and the Beings? (people? I imagine angels dressed in white, with wings, of course) said, "Hold on there, these two can't get together." That's right, my guardian angels had a conference with his guardian angels.

They said, "Listen, we've already been working with the angels of this other guy to arrange the perfect meeting between Duck and Mr. Perfect. Your guy W is messing up the plan, so you need to get him outta here."

And then W's angels are like, "Aw, c'mon, this guy needs to connect with a loving woman such as Duck. Can you give him 6 weeks? Just to get his heart opened up and healed a little bit? And in turn, he'll open up her heart, and make her believe in the possibility of love and romance again?"

My angels: "Three weeks, tops, then take him out. We've been preparing our mortals for years to meet each other. It's karmic. We want to help your mortal out, but that's all we can give. Take it or leave it."

His angels: "We'll take it."

And that's how, when I'm not spinning my own wheels being pissed beyond belief, I'd like to think it went down. If that disturbs you, Diary, I don't know what to tell you. Ever since I was a kid I've imagined this kind of scenario with everything, such as if I ate a hotdog and mashed potatoes, I'd imagine the conversation they'd be having in my stomach. Not much has changed, except I don't eat hot dogs anymore.

When I think about it, though, I have to trust. If I look at all my relationships, the Universe always gives me something better. As frustrating as Frank was, he was better than the guy before him. As blocked off as Alphie was, he allowed so much more of me to open up than when I was with Frank. W touched me more deeply than Alphie. So, my next love will be even better. And now that I've made space for him, he'll come sooner. Right?

So there.

Now, to work on forgiving myself. How does one do that???

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