Dear Diary,

Well, it's been a rough couple of days. Mostly because I have not been able to sleep. I promised B I'd help him on Saturday with some of his work- just to show up and give support. That would require getting up around 7am and being there by 9am. But of course, the night before I couldn't fall asleep.

Maybe I put a little too much pressure on myself with the knowledge that I have to get up early... but anyway, the point was that I was still awake as dawn was breaking and birds were singing. That's one terrible feeling, I have to say.

I left a message for B that I would come 2 hours later than expected. I did get there, and felt wiped out all weekend. I tried to go to bed early on Saturday, Sunday and Monday but no dice. Even though I am exhausted and feel ready to pass out at any moment during the day, at 10pm I suddenly get a burst of weird energy, and I'm lucky if I can fall asleep before 3 or 4am.

Even though I have been doing all sorts of "release work" around the W issue, I have been waking up feeling really bad about it. I mean, the whole thing has really hurt my feelings. And, it's not just that. In the past six months, this same thing has happened with 3 GUYS. And many times before that. It's a freakin' pattern, for Christ's sake! So I did a little exercise with B, where we traced back to my dad's behavior and if I felt he abandoned me. It was pretty intense. I just have this intention that I don't want to do this dance anymore- I don't WANT to be attracted to guys who are afraid of intimacy, who LEAVE when it feels like things are getting close. I kept thinking I did something to make that happen, (but never sure what) but B assures me, I have just been attracting guys with the "pre-disposition to leave." It helps to think that there was NOTHING I could have done to make W feel differently or stay. This is how he IS- I mean, look, he's already disappeared on me ONCE- I just trusted him again.

Anyway, I feel much better now. Like things are changing, because if I have an awareness of my pattern and the desire to change it, then things can shift for me.

So, the weekend looked like this-

THURSDAY- I went to one of Aleda's infamous parties, and actually had a pretty good time. There were some cute guys there, but- they were kind of like fluff. You know, players. The kind of guys that get dressed up, go out dancing and collect women's numbers all weekend. That's okay though, they were fun to dance with. Two of them were headed toward another club very near to my house, so I caught a ride with them. They also gave a ride to another guy who sat in the backseat with me. We got to the club and the original two front seat guys, Peter and Rashik were very cool, but the third one wouldn't stop touching me and tried to prevent any other guys from dancing with me. I finally got sick of it and tried to leave, and he tried to follow me home. I guess he decided he liked me and wanted to pursue it. I told him I had a boyfriend, but it was like he was from another planet. I mean he was really messed up, one of these guys that just decides he likes you and doesn't really care what YOU want... he just wants you to agree with him. That started freaking me out, and I thought I would have to call Simon- who is the biggest, toughest guy who lives closest to me- my protector- but I finally yelled at the guy and he left, only after he tried to stick his tongue in my mouth- yuck!

FRIDAY- I went to class, and afterward went to get something to eat by myself. Even though I only had $25 to last me the weekend, I just caved and went and bought a taco. A lonely Friday night. Felt really bummed about W, and I tried desperately to sleep, to no avail (that's the night I was up till dawn). The more I thought about it, the more anger and hurt I felt, and it makes it hard to sleep.

SATURDAY- I got only a couple of hours of sleep, and went to B's computer lecture. He was actually really good, and I was proud of him. He really needs to branch out more. Steffy came too, and afterward we went to her place and she made me lunch. I promised Simon I would call him afterward. I can't remember if I told you that
Simon came to my house a few weeks ago. He was well behaved, until the end. Then he stood in my doorway and told me he loved me and maybe someday and blah blah blah. I reminded him that we had our big fight and he promised he wasn't going to do this anymore, but he was like, well I'll always be hoping. He took one of my DVDs home with him and I was like shit, he probably did that so I would HAVE to see him again. Anyway, I figured it would be safe enough to just go out to a public place, and as long as Simon wasn't drinking or smoking too much, the hitting on me should be kept to a minimum. It was actually a pretty fun night. Simon came and picked me up, and we went to dinner where Steffy works. Then we all went to a dance club. As soon as we walked in, who do we run into but Peter and Rashik, the guys from Thursday night. We had a great time dancing with them, and Simon was off flirting and chasing crazy girls, which I totally support, because then his focus is off of me! So it all worked out great. I think Rashik is something else. I know he is just fluff, but I don't mind dancing with a handsome, well-dressed guy. He asked for my number and I gave it to him- he's never called but I really don't expect it. I'll just be happy to dance.

SUNDAY - Even though I didn't drink on Saturday night, I felt hung over all Sunday just from a lack of sleep. My training facilitor was in town and wanted to have lunch, and I'm sure he was thinking I looked like shit. If you remember, Marie, his girlfriend who also used to see Alphie, was there too. They are quite a couple. Just two people that you can't really figure out what the attraction is between them or why they are together. I was able to get through lunch and hanging out but I couldn't wait to get home and in my bed! I felt so wiped out, and tried to stay awake so I would sleep through the night. However, by 10pm I was buzzing, and didn't snooze till 3 or so.

TODAY- I woke up early to go see B, and run errands. I was all excited about cashing my big check, only to discover that they wouldn't cash it, because the amount of money in my savings account wouldn't cover the check. So I just had to deposit it, and I will have to take money out tomorrow. That made me feel like quite a loser, but I tried not to judge myself. After all, there's people in this world that live in huts, and I am far better off than they are. So I couldn't cash a check, big deal! I was so glad to come home and just crash in front of the TV. I fell asleep around 8pm and slept till 10pm, and now I am awake for a good while. I just couldn't resist anymore because I had a terrible headache. I'm feeling a bit better and hope that I can fall asleep soon.

That's life for now.

Thanks for all the supportive comments, I think I am on the right track now...

Love,
Duck

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