Dear Diary,

I don't know how six days got away from me without updating. I really don't!

I was pretty depressed about W, and that led to a conversation with B and Keith about this pattern that is happening... with CuteBoy, with Byron, and now Wisconsin once again. Why do all the men leave? Why do they seem to like me *sooo* much (the first time W was here, it took him a half hour to leave because he couldn't/wouldn't stop kissing me...). So we got all psychological about it and started talking about father stuff and how is my relationship with men on a daily basis like my relationship with my father... I still have to figure that out. My father never really went anywhere, but we definitely weren't close either.

At any rate now I am doing what is called healing meditations around rebalancing this pattern that has shown itself in my life. Keith also said to me, that I am on the way to healing- because last year I didn't have this kind of energy in my life- I had no men... so at least now the men are coming into my life and I'm having some experiences of intimacy, even if they are not continuous.

I wasn't sure, so I had to go back and check. I only wrote two times last May, about nothing in particular- but in April/May I was irritated with Louie (big surprise), and I had just learned about Alphie being with Grace so I was trying to process all that. I guess that's a certain amount of intimacy in my life, but, nothing really just for me.

So I'm just feeling my frustration with that.

I spent the weekend with Gail and Craig. All they do is argue. Gail has been threatening to leave him forever, but they still stay together. Their life is all about the drama. She wants to make it all his fault, but she is just as bad. They fight like little kids and the things she says to him, I can see, no wonder they fight. Also Craig is just ... too much like a little kid. He wants to fit in so bad, that he will try doing or saying what he thinks everyone else is to be cool. He wants to seem knowledgeable on the subjects that Gail does- but he really isn't. He wants to seem like he "gets it"- but he really doesn't. He doesn't feel very authentic, and he's quite annoying more than anything else. On the one hand I feel bad for him, but on the other, I can only stand to be around him so much.

Also Steffy and Aleda and I went out, some issue apparently came up for Aleda and she left without telling us goodbye. When I tried to call her, she wouldn't pick up the phone. I text messaged her, and she did text message back, so I called her again but she wouldn't pick up. It feels like she's having some kind of hard time, but she's creating some kind of drama around it, with vague answers and refusing to answer the phone, only texting with dramatic phrases that don't tell you anything. I think she's triggered about something, but, I can only do so much and I'm not going to chase her.

I am really low on funds, and it's pretty depressing. I guess I should go look for a job today.

Love,
Duck

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