Dear Diary,

After yesterday's entry I went on a little exploration of sorts. I decided to read from the point I did meet W, just to refresh my memory and go over what happened before the first time he *disappeared*.

Well, that was very good for me, and I'll tell you why- it made me realize that, it's not me! Unlike what some books will tell you (I think there's one called- Catch A Man and Keep Him), there was not a damn thing I could have said that would have made W behave differently... rather, reading about his previous flaky behavior only confirmed for me that he is PREDISPOSED TO LEAVE a situation for whatever reason, obviously he feels something or gets triggered and there he goes.

My part in this, of course, is attracting available men in the first place, something that I've talked about since I first started this diary. So, by looking at what B and Keith and I talked about yesterday, I have my own homework to do.

But I was kind of in a space of being so confused about why this happens to me over and over, and almost tempted to get one of those online books with catchy advertisement phrases like, "Find out the mistake that most women make- that drives men away!" "Read the one thing you can say to him that will make him want to be with you forever!" Kind of shit. I mean really. It was almost convincing until I stopped and thought, hmm, if I read what I am supposed to say, then am I not being authentic? And don't I want a guy to like me for exactly who I am, not someone I pretend to be?

My whole life these days seems to be more geared toward authenticity, so why would I want to go backwards? Honestly I have had several thoughts like feeling bad for W because I realize it is HIS stuff, not mine, he must have some kind of issue come up and not be able to deal with intimacy that makes him just run. And other times I feel hurt and wondering why why why? But the truth is the why is not about me. Even if he gave an answer like, "Well, I just looked at you one day and realized I didn't like your nose-" or, "When you said on the phone that you didn't like to go for long walks on the beach, I knew I couldn't be with you." Well those things about me wouldn't be WRONG- they would be the authentic me. The "problem" would be W's- that he was attached to having a woman with a certain nose or he required somebody to think exactly like he thinks. And the tragedy is that rather than openly and honestly telling a woman that, he obviously gets flipped out and disappears. It's still not very respectful of me as a woman, but it's also really sad for him as a man.

In other news, no work, not until next week. I am doing my usual crap of procrastinating. I am going to try to do more. Do I ever do more? I haven't been to look for a job. I am just procrastinating more. Now I'm thinking I should wait until after Alphie leaves, he is coming next week.

What do you think?

I had some very busy dreams, but I can't remember what they were.

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]