Hi Diary,

Oddly, I am feeling a little better today. Maybe what I need to do is just feel my feelings and complain and get it all out. I am always so concerned about what's okay to feel and what's not, and people judging me. But why should I even care about that as far as my diary? I should be able to think and write whatever I want.

At any rate, now I am once again trying to trust that everything is as it should be. I'm making a plan for all the places I can go and apply for jobs, after reviewing my credit card status last night. I watched the Secret Lives of Women, the episode where they were showing all these women who are just out of control with their debt, like buying clothes they never wear and just using shopping to fulfill some emotional need. Well, that made me feel a bit better. I really don't have that much debt compared to them, and I am trying to keep everything under control. I make regular payments and always try to pay double the minimum amount on my credit cards, something I saw on Oprah. Most of the time I am able to do it. The last month or so has been very rough, and I've had to use my card to buy groceries and important stuff like that. An emergency of sorts. But it also just goes to show that I am not doing as well in the money department as I should, and I need to buckle down and start paying off debt for the summer. It's serious now!

I have been sleeping a bit better, better for me means lights out by 1:30am or so, probably falling asleep by 2 or 2:30am. This is an improvement from being awake till dawn, maybe 4 or 5am, and finally falling asleep.

And, I have absolutely no more minutes left on my phone, so I can't call anyone or do anything. Super poor! It's an interesting state to be in, actually...

The important thing for me to remember is that I am strong and I can do it. I've done a lot harder things in my life than simply get a job and pay off some bills.

I'm facing a challenge with food though. I have been craving sugar like there's no tomorrow. And I was doing so good. I did everything I could think of to help myself; read, took a bath, took a walk, but it was still really bad last night. Then I relented and walked to the corner market to maybe buy some chocolate soy milk, which I haven't had in probably 3 months. At the store I chose juice instead of the milk, and I really wanted it so I thought that would satisfy. But it didn't, so I ended up eating a reserve chocolate bar I found in the cupboard. I hate not being able to control this sugar thing. I know it probably doesn't sound like any big deal to someone who doesn't have food issues, but it is to me. Because it feels like I have no control... that the sugar has control of me. That I can't be balanced or even focus my mind until I have sugar. It's insane! Plus I just feel better and look better when I don't eat it... my skin looks better, I can sleep better, I don't have excess weight, etc.

I know it's somehow connected to emotional stuff but I don't know what to do about it. That's the hard part about those tricky emotions. They are not so easy to figure out.

So I guess today I will try to figure out the best way to love myself. Starting with a walk outside in the fresh air, and then maybe some yoga.

Talk soon.
Love,
Duck

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