Hi Diary,

Struggling to wake up this morning. I am seriously considering canceling my cable service. I think I am addicted to TV. So much that I end up watching shows I don't even like. I think it contributes to me staying up later than I should, and it's probably frying my brain on multiple levels.

There's a couple shows I really like, and I'll miss them... but, what's a TV-addicted girl to do? Most likely if I cancel the service I will go to bed earlier, get out of the house more, and perhaps be more inspired in life in general.

Do you think?

It seems to make sense that since I'm so attached to something like this, I should let it go... Not to mention the money issue. With cable and internet service it's about a hundred dollars a month. This is charged on my credit card every month, so it's no surprise that the amount I owe just climbs and climbs every month. Plus the cable company just seems to make up their own rules about how much they can charge every time.

Yesterday Emily was feeling lousy so we went out so she could have a glass of wine. After listening to her feelings about how she is lonely and wishing she has a boyfriend, I was trying to tell her what Alphie and B said about W and how at least speaking/meeting with him again would give me a chance to hear him out, and decide if I wanted to listen and interact with him or tell him to get lost. But Emily's view is I just shouldn't bother, he is lousy and, she actually said, "You never even liked him that much anyway."

I don't really know where she gets that idea or the authority to speak on my behalf on anything, but it felt pretty unfair. You don't know how many times I've sat through her repeating herself again and again about Hal, the married guy she was heavily flirting with. From the beginning, just hooking up with a married guy seems like a bad idea, doesn't it? But I never threw that in her face. I listened to her explain again and again every little detail and even how she was "getting over it"- despite the fact that she had to talk about it all the time... I gave her a lot of space on the whole issue. I just wish she could give me the same kind of space, but she just coated everything with her very strong opinions. It feels lousy when a friend can't support you in what you might want to do because they think they know best.

I hate feeling that things are so unfair. What B said to me felt right, that at least it would give me a sense of resolution and conclusion, even if a "relationship" didn't grow out of it. I don't know why Emily can't see the value in that for me. And, if she can't, why she can't at least support me in what I feel is important for myself.

So now, I will follow what feels right to me, and not share it with Emily. If all I get is judgment and criticism, why would I want to go there? I might as well talk to Aleda in that case.

I got a few text messages from Grace, ironically enough telling me how much she, and Alphie, love me. And how Alphie told her all these great things about me and how he is proud of me for starting my own business and everything. Yet I have not heard from Alphie at all.

My pattern with men is that I have short, intense periods of intimacy with them, and then they leave. Just like my father. I even told Alphie about that, but apparently, it didn't sink in enough that he wouldn't want to repeat that pattern again- maybe he is mad at me on some level, because I was frustrated with him when he was here. Maybe he is starting to tell that I am not as enamored with him as I used to be- I have no desire for him at all. And, as usual, how he deals with feelings is not to deal with them at all.

But I am ready to let go of the anger around a situation where me being happy would require someone else to change, because it never happens that way, does it? I feel like I have been duped, over and over again, every time believing it could be different. But it is my own fault for believing that things have changed, and creating new expectations around them.

If I did get to speak to W again, it would be an opportunity to say, I need a man in my life who is clear with me about what is going on and what he wants. What do you want? And then I get to hear the answer. And if it's not what I want, I can say so. And then say goodbye. I have never really done that before. I am always left in the dark with these guys, and they go down on the list of Things That Have Ended with No Closure. It sucks. I hate that list.

I am just trying to do the best that I can for myself and be a good person in the process. I wish it was easier and smoother but it's not. And I wish I had some support from people who are close to me.

Love,
Duck

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