Hi Diary,

Things are going okay. I am feeling more and more balanced...

Last night I talked to Russell. Alphie often visits Russell, since Russell lives near Alphie's parents. So Alphie comes and takes over Russell's house all the time and messes up his place, basically takes over Russell's house. Russell had to vent. I love Russell, but, I hate the fact that so much of our time is spent bitching about Alphie. It makes me feel like crap.

When Alphie is here, I feel like I say bad things about Aleda. I kind of don't want him to get closer to her. It's bad enough she criticizes me and pretends to be someone else, someone nicer, but for her and Alphie to join up and exclude me would be just too much. Then after Alphie leaves I feel like I bitch about Alphie to Aleda. I am turning into the biggest whiniest backstabber ever, and I can't stand it. Russell calls and the majority of our conversation is complaining and venting about how Alphie treats us. I just don't want to be this angry anymore.

The fact is, the same thing that happened in September happened again. Alphie was here, I thought we reconnected and had an understanding, then he disconnected again. Despite the fact that he was sloppy, disorganized, and didn't prepare what he was supposed to when he was here, I wouldn't have felt so bad if he had just responded to my calls of concern when he got home. But he didn't. Where to go from here? The answer is nowhere, because obviously, he doesn't get it, and never will.

Last night, Aleda told me that while I was at work and she was having lunch with Alphie, they were talking about friendship, and Alphie said his idea of a good friendship was when you could be really close, but "somebody doesn't give you shit about not calling". I can only assume he's referring to me. I can only guess, that the two of them bitched about me behind my back- all the little tiffs I've had with Aleda, and Alphie complaining about my dissatisfaction, then I bitch about Aleda to Alphie, (he joins in only slightly; since he doesn't 'know' her that well-), and Alphie to Aleda and Russell and Gail. The whole dynamic is exhausting, makes me feel like crap, and I don't want to play anymore.

Everytime Alphie describes a woman he likes, it includes something like this: "I like her because she likes me, and she makes me food, and is easy going, and doesn't hassle me." Basically, he likes anybody that's willing to do stuff for him and not have too many emotional needs.

Well, as we have established, Diary, that is not me. I'm really at the point of not caring. I know that I never want to sleep with him ever again. I know that I don't need to work with him, because I can handle things myself. I just don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want this rage to keep seeping out of me. I want to just let it go, and be free of it. Petra and Michael can still enjoy Alphie because they just take him as he is and have no expectation of him- I got myself in way too deep.

This is for myself. I have to forgive Alphie and let go!

Dammit.

Freedom. I want it. A guy that loves me. I want that. Okay, I am tired. Must go.

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