Hi Diary,

Just in case you were wondering...

I felt so irritated by the W. thing that I decided to call him, but I didn't know exactly what I was going to say so I called my own voicemail first and I was practicing. I do this sometimes, get that smirk off your face.

Right in the middle of my practicing, he text messaged me again, suggesting we get together next weekend. So I just dialed his phone number right then and there. I mean, he was obviously there, having just sent the message. He didn't pick up. I didn't leave a message.

The next day (yesterday) I called and said, "Hey, did you just text message me? What's up with the text messaging? Just call me like a normal person if you want to talk." Something like that. I didn't even practice.

Later on yesterday evening, he sends ANOTHER text message, saying that his next weekend just got booked. Hello?! Why are you text messaging me when I asked you not to? And what conversation are you having with yourself? Is your name Frank?

I immediately thought of some very nasty replies (along the lines of "don't ever contact me again"- which is Tamara's idea) but something in me can't just do that, be THAT mean. It's because I can always see more than one side to everything, and I have this complex about trying to be a nice person, and... I don't know... in the meantime it makes me crazy. So it sort of hurt my feelings but on the other hand it was no surprise. So there.

So why am I telling you this, you ask. I really don't know. Mostly I am just perplexed about what to do all the time, how truthful to be with someone. I could very easily point out irritating, annoying, careless and just plain mean things people do, but I don't want to be a critical person because I think that's unfair. But when it bothers me, it really bothers me, because I think their behavior is unfair. I also think that this email and text messaging thing is just a coward's way out, that people use it to avoid confrontation, and it just fucks things up more. I feel like I could call W on all his actions, "Listen dude, I haven't seen you since March. I know you don't want to see me, and it's okay... just do what you have to do... but you don't have to pretend any kind of like for me." If I said that, do you think it would sound too pretentious? I'm not stupid, and I'm pretty sure that's what's going on, but is it fair to assume what another person is feeling?

I know people do it all the time, and I do it too, but I'm trying to do it less. And especially if I want to change my patterns with guys. I usually say nothing, and when I say something, I just look like an upset ninny. So if I want to say something in the most conscious way possible, how would I do that? Because something in me says that nothing is going to change with these guys that come in and out of my life until I am really clear.

So, I'm working on that.

I'm going away for two days, Steffy has a car and we are going to drive over and see Stacey, who moved away with her baby. I can't wait to see the baby especially.

And have a few days off.

That is all.

Love,
Duck

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