Dear Diary,

Well, slept till almost 12:30, and have been watching Gh0$t W0rld and playing computer games since then. I really should go to the bank, or for a walk or some such healthy thing, but... blahhh.

I was away at my family's for Christmas, which was quite insane. Sometimes I get such a stomachache when I am there, it's ridiculous. Kevin has been working and traveling, so he wasn't home, and Delia spent the holiday with her husband's family. The rest of my siblings are scattered in their dysfunction.

I went to the movies with Don last Thursday before Xmas, and he gave me a small gift. I really hadn't known if we were exchanging gifts or not- I had bought him a small something, but hadn't brought it. So I invited him over on Friday to come get his gift, and fool around, and he said he would come over. But he ended up calling me on Friday afternoon and said he didn't feel well. We talked a bit later and he was feeling better. He didn't call me on Christmas, which was disappointing to me.

Trying not to feel like this is another W situation. I know that Don has gotten a little freaked out, so whatever. I've been talking to this other guy M, who lives about 2 hrs. away. I met him almost 2 years ago at a training, and since then he's been divorced and kind of getting on his feet again. For the past week or so he's been calling me and flirting heavily. Of course when Don finally did call me, it was when I was talking to M. I waited a couple of days to call Don back.

Sometimes I just feel screwed in the area of relationships. Of course W has been text messaging me and calling me, (hah) but do I want to get together with him? No. Ugh. I imagine all guys are the same, and when you pay too much attention to them they freak out. So it is necessary to ignore them a bit. Obviously, it wasn't until I really started ignoring W that he was pursuing me so vehemently. My friend Stacey, who constantly has guys falling in love with her, only accomplishes this because she is so good at being self-centered and completely ignoring everyone. It is not what I want to do, it is not the games I want to play.

So anyway I finally did return Don's call last night, made it brief and breezy, and didn't try to pin him down about doing anything. Actually I was just kind of bored with him during the conversation and wanted to get off the phone so I could call M. Don knows I'm going away for two weeks next week, so when I was saying goodbye he asked me when exactly I was leaving. But even when I told him he didn't try to pin me down for a date. It is fine, I know I'll probably see him on Tuesday because that is the night that our group of friends goes out dancing. He didn't call me on Christmas and hasn't even tried to see if I will be at the same party on New Year's Eve. So I guess he's not really interested in being together. What was I thinking, asking him to be exclusive? Obviously I have been too available for comfort. My own or his.

I am tired of worrying about being liked. I am a beautiful, accomplished, intelligent, amazing woman. This is fucking ridiculous. So I'm just not worrying about it anymore. If only I could just start using men for sex, my life would be complete.

Here are some things I hate:

1. Grown women who wear pajamas in public.
2. Commercials that emphasize the need to rid oneself of "belly fat".
3. Finance charges.
4. My own neuroses.

Love,
Duck

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